


That Golden Rule

by SeraphStarshine



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Cheating, Depression, Dream Sex, Drug Use, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicide, basically this fic is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-19 12:45:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5967835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeraphStarshine/pseuds/SeraphStarshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon has one rule that he refuses to break, but he has never been the best at keeping promises, even ones that are made only to himself.</p><p>Or the sort of vaguely canon compliant AU set not long after the release of Vices & Virtues in which Brendon is forced to face Ryan again just when he had been assured he was out of his life forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Tell My Secrets And You Took My Pain

**Author's Note:**

> So this was originally supposed to be a one-shot which was inspired by my friend during one of our conversations about Ryan Ross, but it got way too long, so I turned it into a short story instead.
> 
> I already have most of it written, I just need to go back and edit everything, but I am going to try to have it all posted by the end of the week.
> 
> So hopefully you guys enjoy my first Ryden, and please give me some feedback. I am trying to branch out and write something besides Frerard's, and I am curious if you guys enjoy that.

Brendon Urie had an ironclad _'No Ryan Rule'_ which he abided by religiously, and everyone surrounding him was aware of it as well, even though he had never explicitly laid it out in words per se, but he truly hadn't needed to, not after everything that had happened between them, _hell_ \- even the reporters he interacted with were learning to steer away from anything Ryan Ross related, and Brendon was extremely thankful for the fact that most people he came into contact with took care to never utter that dreaded name whenever Brendon was within earshot.

Brendon hadn't always followed this strict policy, well obviously not at first, _fuck_ \- he could still remember the times when he could barely keep his hands off of the older boy, or when he wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his existence wrapped in a pair of sheets with Ryan pressed up against him, but even in the days following Ryan's sudden split from the band, and sequentially Brendon's life, Brendon had tried to maintain some semblance of the relationship they had once had, he had tried _so fucking hard_ , but something had changed within Ryan, and he wasn't the same person that Brendon had been madly in love with at one point in time.

Brendon had been attracted to Ryan from day one, but he had forced himself to ignore his urges at first, his fear of becoming involved with a bandmate, not to mention a _man_ had kept his unruly emotions contained, but eventually, Brendon lost the internal battle with his mind, and he found himself tripping head over heels for the older boy, desperately hoping that Ryan would catch him before he tumbled face-first onto the unforgiving pavement below him, and luckily for Brendon, Ryan's outstretched arms halted his downward motion, cocooning him within their warm embrace in a way that Brendon had never experienced with anyone else before.

The two boys hadn't shared a typical love story, _of course not_ \- there hadn't been any romance, or dates, but there was always something there, an electric connection that neither boy could ignore for long, leading to many drunken hookups with transformed into sober sex once they finally admitted that there was more to this than just the urge to get off.

They had never had a conventional relationship, the band had made sure of that, but that didn't mean they cared for each other any less because of their oddities, although they hide their budding romance from the prying eyes of the media, even going so far as to keep their distance during the downtime that followed the whirlwind tours during which their attraction was truly allowed to blossom, and they avoided the term _boyfriend_ , the definition didn't seem to fit whatever they had going on between them.

Brendon had been the one to accelerate things, because he really liked Ryan, he was different than all of the girls, as well as the occasional boy that threw themselves at him looking for their fifteen minutes of fame, and even though Brendon should have known better than to attempt to pursue a relationship with one of his bandmates, because those things could never end well, he threw caution to the wind, his young mind believing that they could make it work despite the insurmountable odds stacked against them, but Brendon had never been so wrong.

And it had worked at first, or so Brendon had thought, because _yes_ \- they may have been drunk and high half of the time, and they may have fought more than the average couple, and they may have used sex as a remedy for that instead of sitting down and talking things out, but none of that mattered to Brendon, because he was in love with Ryan, and all of the subtle nuisances of their relationship didn't matter as long as he had Ryan by his side as often as possible.

Ironically enough, one of their largest arguments had been ignited when Brendon finally allowed his feelings for Ryan to pass his lips; he had admitted that he loved him one day out of the blue, the buried emotions bubbling out of him without his consent, even though he did very little to stop them, because he wanted Ryan to know that he meant more to him than just a quick fuck, but Ryan hadn't reacted how Brendon had hoped that he would.

Instead of returning the sentiment, Ryan has scoffed loudly, claiming that Brendon was full of shit, which of course infuriated Brendon, because he wouldn't lie, not about something like _this_ , so his natural defense mechanisms had kicked in, inciting him to yell at his sort of boyfriend, which caused Ryan to break down in tears - _fuck_ , it had been a mess, but they had mended, and a few days later, Ryan reluctantly told Brendon that he loved him as well, and even though the words had emerged in a shaky, unsure tone, Brendon knew that they were the truth, and that was all that mattered.

Things should have been perfect after that, and even though Brendon knew that planning ahead was never a good idea, his excitement got the better of him. He wanted a future with Ryan, he wanted the world to know that the older boy was _his_ and his alone, but Ryan was nowhere near ready to take that step, he hadn't even admitted that he was bisexual to anyone besides Brendon, Spencer, and Jon, but Brendon was willing to wait as long as it took, or so he thought.

That day never came though, Ryan avoided all of Brendon's not so subtle attempts to steer their conversation in that direction, and eventually, Brendon ceased to mention it entirely, because maybe it wasn't that important to go public with their relationship, except it _was_ \- to Brendon at least, because as much as he wished that some aspects of his life would stay private, he wanted to be able to take Ryan out on proper dates, to kiss him when they weren't on stage, to move in with him, to _marry_ him, but then Ryan had left, and everything they had built together shattered just as quickly as it had formed.

Brendon still didn't understand what had gone on in Ryan's head to convince him to leave the band, although he refused to waste too much time pondering it, that train of thought resulted in nothing besides a pounding headache and a malignant aura of confusion that followed Brendon around for hours afterward, so he avoided falling into that trap if at all possible, but more often than not, his brain sabotaged his attempts at saving himself the pain of mulling over pointless what ifs, forcing Brendon to suffer through old memories with a fake smile plastered on his face to placate his friends and family into believing that he was fine, because he was - _sort of_.

It had all been so sudden, and despite Brendon's reassuring words he spouted for the reporters who had inquired about what had happened after the cleaving of the band, Brendon had never seen it coming, _fuck_ \- he had thought everything was perfect, but Ryan had apparently decided otherwise.

That wasn't to say they didn't have problems, because they did, _hell_ \- they were borderline toxic for each other, and when Brendon took a step back and viewed their relationship from an outsider's perspective, he came to the realization that the odds of their love surviving everything that was thrown their way was slim to none, but they always overcame the numerous trials they were faced with in the end, and this would be no different - _right?_

Brendon didn't think Ryan was serious at first when he had said that he was done, even though _yes_ \- they had partaken in a nasty fight not long before Ryan's announcement; Ryan had wanted Brendon to visit him during one of their rare breaks from touring, but Brendon had already made lunch plans with a couple of friends, to which Ryan had been invited to of course, but Ryan wasn't happy with that.

He had twisted the simple hiccup into a spiraling torrent of accusations, punctuated by Brendon's angry outbursts involving how if Ryan actually wanted to be a part of his life, than maybe he should grow some balls and come out before Brendon did it for him, not that he ever would, but Brendon said idiotic things when he was pressed, and Ryan knew each of Brendon's hot buttons like the back of his hand.

And in all fairness, Brendon deserved some of Ryan's anger, because one of the friends on his lunch date was Sarah, the girl that had caught his eye on the Pretty Odd tour during one of the periods in which Brendon and Ryan where fighting, _fuck_ \- when _weren't_ they fighting, but still, she was taken, and so was Brendon - _mostly_ , so it meant nothing, she was just an acquaintance, nothing more and nothing less.

So when Ryan had stated that he was leaving Brendon, he had simply brushed it off, because that was a barb that they had both used when they truly wanted to wound the other party, and it usually meant nothing. Brendon was convinced that a few days would pass before Ryan would call him up like nothing had ever happened, because that was how they worked, and as dysfunctional as it was, Brendon was used to it, so he had no idea that this time Ryan was truly serious, not until seven days had passed with complete radio silence from the boy who had stolen his heart.

Still, Brendon kept hoping that Ryan would return to the band with numerous apologies falling from his lips, begging to be given another chance, just like he did after each one of their pointless spats, but when Ryan did no such thing, Brendon was left to ponder what he has done wrong, _well_ \- more so than usual, and if Ryan even consider them a couple any longer, if they had ever truly been one in the first place.

Ryan had always been slightly irrational though, and Brendon was assured that their bond would bring the other boy back eventually once he had cooled his heels over whatever imagined slight he was pinning on Brendon, which Brendon didn't believe solely focused on Sarah, or his harsh words, because Brendon had thrown much sharper metaphorical daggers Ryan's way in the past, and Ryan had always returned to his side despite his emotional wounds.

But Brendon was proven wrong once again as weeks turned into months and Ryan continued to avoid his phone calls, speaking to him only through Spencer on the rare occasion that they had to make contact, even ignoring Brendon's incessant knocking when he had driven to his house in a last ditch attempt to force Ryan to face him and explain his ridiculous temper tantrum.

After that failed attempt was when the _'No Ryan Rule'_ had come into existence, because if Ryan was going to act like a child and wash his hands of Brendon without even a goodbye, then two could play at that game, and honestly, Brendon was tired of the drama, and the hiding, and the heartache, so despite the fact that he loved Ryan with all of his being, he had no choice except to carry on with his life and pretend that Ryan Ross had never existed.

Spencer had tried to talk Brendon out of his rash decision, providing half ass explanations stating that Ryan was simply _'going through a lot right now'_ and _'he just needed a break from the pressures of the band before he reconnected with Brendon'_ , but no amount of paltry words were going to change Brendon's mind - he was _done_ , he was fucking over Ryan Ross and his supposed _'creative differences'_ that had driven them apart, because that was all a bunch of bullshit covering up the real reason that Ryan had gone missing in action, and Brendon had come to believe that he would never truly understand the truth behind why Ryan had walked away from everything he supposedly loved, which was something he was going to have to learn to live with, no matter how much it stung.

And of course, in typical Ryan fashion, as soon as Brendon ceased to contact the older man in any way, Ryan began reaching out, sending numerous texts, calling at all hours of the day, _hell_ \- he even sent Brendon a letter once, the words filled with nonsense and an overabundance of _'I'm sorry's'_ that were too little too late in Brendon's opinion.

So Brendon kept fast to his newfound ideology, tossing the piece of paper in the trash without a second read over, because that was all it was now - _garbage_.

Brendon had moved on, with Sarah ironically enough, proving that maybe Ryan had possessed some validity to his former claims after all, but Brendon never would have ended up with her if Ryan hadn't abandoned him, even though he was quickly falling for her just as hard as he had for Ryan, because she was amazing in her own way, and as long as he didn't compare the two, his relationship was perfect.

And although the image of Ryan Ross's stupid face still caused a slight pang to erupt in Brendon's chest, it lessened with every year, and he was fine now - _mostly_.

He had a beautiful girlfriend, the band was still successfully, so the absence of Ryan should mean very little to Brendon, and it _did_ , at least, Brendon was doing his very best to convince himself of that.

Ryan had seemed to give up on Brendon as well, and judging by his Instagram photos, he didn't even miss the younger boy, not that Brendon checked his social media regularly, except he _totally_ did, his stern policy didn't extend that far apparently, but Brendon had gotten to the point where he could go for quite some time without actually scrolling through his feed, even though he had yet to take Ryan off notifications yet, but _whatever_ , baby steps and all that.

But of course, there was one person that didn't follow Brendon's rule, and that was the man who had incited it himself, although he had kept to it for almost a year now, but as fate would have it, when the ringing of Brendon's phone interrupted his peaceful evening at home, courtesy of Sarah staying with her parents for the weekend after a heart attack scare involving her father, it just _had_ to be Ryan's name that appeared on his display screen.

Just the sight of it had Brendon staggering under a sudden rush of deeply buried memories, his heart constricting in his chest as he gazed down at the four letter word that should mean nothing to him by this point, but the fluttering in his stomach proved that his disconnect to the older man was not as complete as Brendon had hoped it would be by now, pushing his steadfast refusal to break the _'No Ryan Rule'_ to its limit.


	2. This River Is Particularly Sinister

Brendon truly meant to pretend that he had never seen the call from Ryan coming through his phone; it was most likely just a pocket dial or something like that anyway, because why the hell would Ryan Ross be reaching out to him after what seemed like an eternity of mutual ignorance on both of their parts?

It just didn't make any sense for Ryan to be attempting to contact him now, because Ryan might be impulsive, and irrational, but he didn't do things like this to Brendon, not _anymore_. He had found other girls to waste his affections on, which was just fine with Brendon. He didn't give a shit who Ryan ended up with, because it wasn't going to be him, so Ryan's love life was no longer any of his concern.

Brendon had thought he had made it perfectly clear that he had freed himself from Ryan's web which he had been trapped in for far too long, and before today, Ryan had seemed to take the hint that Brendon wanted nothing more to do with him, which is exactly how Brendon wanted things to stay, _mostly_.

When the device fell silent, Brendon exhaled heavily, expelling the oxygen he hadn't been aware that he had been holding in his lungs for the past minute or so, during which he had done nothing besides stare down at the printed white text spelling out Ryan's name, but before Brendon's heart rate could return to normal, the harsh sound of vibrations against his coffee table picked up again, causing every muscle in Brendon's body to tense suddenly as he received confirmation that Ryan was actually trying to get a hold of him, and this hadn't been an accidental dial caused by an ironic twist of fate, courtesy of whatever cruel being enjoyed watching Brendon suffer while he looked down from above.

And despite his best intentions, Brendon found his fingers twitching wildly, his arm reaching out to grasp the phone that has been sitting innocently two feet in front of him, but his actions didn't mean he was going to answer it, _of course not_. He had a code to uphold after all, even though it might not hurt to break it just this once to see what was so damn important that Ryan had actually bothered to remember that Brendon existed.

The third time Ryan's name flashed before Brendon's eyes was the final straw that had Brendon's tedious self-control snapping completely, his thumb pressing the answer button before he could second-guess himself, the slender device finding its way to his ear as if by magic, even though Brendon could physically see his hand moving it, but he wasn't in charge of his motions anymore, and although he would never admit it to himself, or anyone else, Brendon had missed the sound of Ryan's voice, and that was the true reason why he had discarded his rule for the time being.

"Ryan?" Brendon asked warily when the speakers remained silent, his voice emitting cold and flat, even though he was a turbulent storm of emotions on the inside, his body shaking slightly as he waited for a response, part of him still hoping that this was all some embarrassing mix up, and Ryan had phoned the wrong number three times in a row, that was a better option than being forced to face the past that Brendon was so assured that he had buried.

"You picked up," Ryan finally replied, a soft chuckle crackling across the line while Brendon tried to decide what to say next, because _fuck_ \- there were a thousand unspoken things lying in-between the two of them, and Brendon had no idea where to start, or if he should even brave those choppy waters at all.

"I did," Brendon nodded minutely, even though Ryan obviously couldn't see him, which was a very fortuitous thing given the fact that his limbs where physically trembling at the moment, and Brendon would rather die before he allowed Ryan to know how badly he still managed to affect him after all these years. "Why did you call?" Brendon added quickly, deciding to cut to the chase before this conversation dragged on for any longer than necessary.

"Honestly...I don't know, I guess - _fuck_ Bren," Ryan paused suddenly, his heavy exhalation resounding loud and clear, making it seem as if Ryan was at Brendon's side instead of in his own home. "I missed you," Ryan spat out hurriedly, his voice quivering throughout his admission, setting off another round of convulsions under Brendon's skin.

Brendon felt as if he was being torn in two, because one side of him wanted nothing more than to return Ryan's sentiment, and it wasn't a lie - he _had_ missed the older man, his reaction to this phone call was proof of that, but Ryan's confession had also ignited a sudden rush of anger in Brendon's chest, the fury searing through him quickly just like it always did when Ryan was involved.

But honestly, who the fuck did Ryan think he was; he couldn't just do this to Brendon, not after everything that had occurred between the two of them. He wasn't allowed to waltz back into Brendon's life and claimed that _'he missed him'_ , because if that was the case, he shouldn't have left in the first place, and Brendon would be damned if he allowed himself to crawl back to the man who had shredded his heart into a million pieces without a care for the shell of person he left in the wake of his destruction.

"No," Brendon snapped, his free hand digging into the couch as he pushed himself to his feet so he could begin to pace back and forth rapidly. "You don't get to say that - not to _me_."

"I'm sorry," Ryan apologized meekly, the sincerity in his voice almost derailing Brendon entirely, because Ryan never gave in this easily, his temper rivaled Brendon's when they got going, so he allowed his mouth to close, trapping the bitter rant he had planned on the tip of his tongue for the time being. "I'm so fucking sorry okay - I shouldn't have called you, but I couldn't talk myself out of it, and I _do_ miss you Bren...I miss you so much that it physically hurts."

"Oh yeah - it sure seems that way," Brendon scoffed harshly, his eyes rolling up in his head as he recalled the numerous pictures Ryan had posted online which proved that he was more than okay without Brendon in his life. "What really happened, did your most recent girlfriend dump you?"

"It's the truth - _I swear_ , I know I've been an ass, and you have every right to hang up on me, but I just wanted to talk..." Ryan mumbled softly, his words trailing off as his breathing hitched unexpectedly, but Brendon refused to let the emotion in Ryan's tone sway him, not when something else has caught his attention instead.

"You are drunk, aren't you?" Brendon scoffed, the slurring that had punctuated Ryan's sentence giving it away, not that he was surprised by that fact. All Ryan seemed to do lately was consume alcohol, if not drugs, but _still_ , Brendon found himself seething when he realized that Ryan was intoxicated.

"Sort of, but that isn't why I called, I have been meaning to do this for a while actually, and I just needed some liquid courage," Ryan sniffled quietly, releasing a curse from Brendon's pursed lips, because he didn't want to do this, he refused to be some drunk booty call for his wasted ex-boyfriend, so he let the anger he had been tamping done rush through him, releasing the primal rage on Ryan despite his stifled sobs.

"You know what Ryan - _fuck you_. You are such a fucking asshole for even thinking that I wanted to talk to you right now, or _ever_ actually. I've moved on okay - I'm finally happy, and of course, as soon as that happens, you just have to come back and fuck up my life, but _no_ \- I'm not letting you, not this time," Brendon all but shouted, his free hand clenching into a tight fist, his nails digging into the skin of his palm painfully as he spoke.

"Okay..." Ryan gasped out, sounding as if all the air had been knocked from his lungs by Brendon's explosion, "I'll leave you alone, I'm sorry, I promise you will never have to deal with me again," Ryan ended on a whisper, and as furious as Brendon was, something in Ryan's tone doused his previous fury, allowing tendrils of regret laced with fear to take its place instead.

Brendon hated the way Ryan always managed to make him feel so fucking _guilty_ , even when he was convinced that he was in the right for once, which he _was_. Ryan deserved to feel some of the pain that Brendon had suffered through over the past few years, but even so, Brendon found himself wishing that he could retract his harsh outburst, because he despised it when Ryan became upset, especially when he was the cause of his sorrow.

"No Ry...I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way, just - I don't want to reconnect with you like this, not with you drunk off your ass at least," Brendon tried to backpedal, the soft sound of Ryan crying on the other line tearing at his insides no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, a feeling of helplessness dragging Brendon downward as he tried to mend the conversation that he had torn to shreds in the first place.

"Forget it, you are right, you're happy now, and I should never have contacted you," Ryan spoke up after a minute of harsh breathing, his tone changing from one of sorrow to an icy, dead void that accelerated Brendon's worries into sheer terror.

"Shut up Ry, stop talking like that, I shouldn't have yelled at you okay -"

"I'm gonna hang up now, goodbye Brendon," Ryan stated solemnly before the line went dead, and _fuck_ \- even though all Brendon wanted a few minutes ago was for the awkward call to be over with, he couldn't stop himself from pressing the redial button furiously, groaning aloud when he was sent straight to voicemail, signifying that Ryan had shut off his phone entirely.

Brendon resumed his desperate pacing, trying his best to talk himself out of what his heart was screaming at him that he needed to do, because that goodbye had sounded much too final for Brendon to ignore, in fact, it reminded him of a few years ago when he thought he was about to lose Ryan forever, and even though Ryan most likely wouldn't do anything stupid, the slim possibility that he might had Brendon's skin crawling with horror, his throat closing up as he attempted to reason with his bleeding heart.

Ryan had acted similarly to this before towards the end of their Pretty Odd tour, and Brendon had been just as terrified now as he was then, but that occurrence had been different, because he had physically been with Ryan, he had seen the warning signs when he started drifting away from everyone who cared about him, he had held him as he sobbed, as Ryan spouted in-between gasps for air that he wanted to disappear, that he was nothing but a nuisance for everyone, and that Brendon should leave him alone to die.

Brendon had never felt so worthless in his entire life than he had that night, because no matter what he did, or said, he hadn't been able to calm Ryan down, he hadn't been enough to drag him out of the pit of misery he had fallen into, and _fuck_ \- Brendon wanted to be that person that could fix everything, he wanted to save Ryan from his doubts and fears, he wanted to show him how wonderful he was, but he never quite knew how, and the passage of years hadn't changed that.

Ryan had eventually fallen asleep in Brendon's arms that evening when Brendon refused to let him go, his tear stained cheek pressed against Brendon's chest as his expression transformed into one of peace, his earlier despair melting away in the blissful embrace of oblivion.

Brendon hadn't slept that entire night, he was too afraid that he would wake up to an empty bed and a broken heart, so he forced his eyes to stay open, gazing down at the man he loved as if it was the last time he would ever see him again.

Ryan had woken up in a much better state of mind though - _thank god_ for that, and for once, Brendon felt that he might have done something right in their relationship, because Ryan seemed to become more like his old self after his expulsion of negative emotions, he almost seemed happy again, and that was all Brendon had ever wanted for him.

Brendon had made the right decision back then, he hadn't left him alone or made matters worse like he usually did, so he had counted that as a win, even though they avoided speaking of what had happened after Brendon had made sure Ryan was doing better, and Brendon knew that wasn't the best way to deal with things, but he didn't want to drag up old memories when Ryan appeared to be healing.

But now Brendon was faced with a replay of that horrible moment, with the same choice placed in front of him, the two forking paths stretching out into the darkness ahead of him, and unlike before, Brendon didn't know which route to take, because things had changed now, and he wasn't sure if he could be the anchor that Ryan seemed in such desperate need of.

And in all reality, Ryan was most likely fine, despite the fact that he was pissed. He hadn't specifically stated that he had any malicious plans toward his wellbeing after all, so he would hopefully sleep off his morose mood and be back to his old self in the morning, but what if he _wasn't_ , that was the pinnacle question, followed up with how Brendon would react if he found out that this had indeed been the last time he would ever speak with Ryan Ross.

" _Fuck_ ," Brendon cursed aloud, tugging his hand roughly through his hair in agitation, but despite the conflict between the two sides of him, the one that seemed to be permanently tied to Ryan won out, and Brendon found himself tugging on his shoes quickly, grabbing a nearby jacket before locating his keys and heading out toward his car with ground eating strides.

As Brendon started the engine, he knew that he would most likely regret this in the morning, if not the moment he showed up at Ryan's house that is, but he would regret it even more if Ryan did something idiotic and he hadn't been there to stop him, so Brendon ceased the pointless argument within himself, because he was already on the road, and god knows he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight without making sure that Ryan was unharmed.

After this singular instance, he could reinstate his _'No Ryan Rule'_ , but for the time being, he chose to discard it, putting Ryan's safety before his own emotional stability for the first time in ages.


	3. Face To Face With The Ball And Chain

Brendon knocked on Ryan's door softly, trying to convince himself that the slight tremors in his hand were caused by the chill night air, and not nerves, even though it was the middle of summer, and the temperature was hardly nippy, but _still_ \- Brendon didn't want to believe that Ryan had the power to do this to his body after all these years, that he was causing him to shake with a mixture of anticipation and fear, because Brendon was over that, he was over Ryan _entirely_ , and after he made sure that Ryan was okay, he was going to return to his strict rule of no contact with Ryan ever again.

When there was no sound of movement inside the house, Brendon tried again, rapping his knuckles roughly against the polished wood in a desperate manner, his actions producing results a few moments later when a tousled Ryan pulled open the door with a defeated look plastered onto his thin face.

Ryan looked like shit to put it bluntly, his shoulders were hunched inward, his cheek were puffy and red from crying, his chocolate irises dull and lifeless as he gazed down at Brendon tiredly, but he was standing on his own two feet at least, and he didn't look like he had taken anything dangerous, not _yet_ at least, which was what Brendon had feared Ryan would resort to after Brendon's had refused to hear him out earlier.

"What are you doing here Brendon?" Ryan's voice was laced with ice, but underneath the uncaring persona he had shielded himself in was a plethora of pain that did nothing to help the violent trembling in Brendon's limbs, his heart contracting in his chest as Ryan's sad eyes danced over his form wearily.

"I just wanted to check on you, you sounded pretty messed up on the phone, and I - I was worried," Brendon managed to stammer out, his teeth chattering together for some unexplained reason as if it was the middle of winter instead of late June.

"Well I'm fine, you can go home now," Ryan opened the door a little wider before gesturing down at himself as if to prove that he was truly intact and whole, but the motion only brought Brendon's attention to the weight Ryan had lost, to his thin hands with the bones practically protruding from the skin, to the way his clothes hung off of him as if they belonged to someone else.

"Don't do this Ryan...you wanted to talk to me, and I'm here now, so at least let me in for a bit."

"I don't want to anymore," Ryan mumbled quietly, but he did move further into the house, leaving the door ajar in a silent invitation that Brendon took without questioning it.

Brendon followed slowly behind his onetime best friend, old memories assaulting him from the last occasion during which he was in this house, of how he had pressed Ryan up against the very door he had just shut behind him, of Ryan's desperate pants as he begged for Brendon's touch, his patience worn ragged before they had even made it two steps inside.

Brendon shook his head angrily, trying to rid his brain of the illicit thoughts that had no place there anymore, because he hadn't come here to reminisce over their past relationship, or to rekindle it, he just had to make sure that Ryan was okay, and once he had ascertained that, he was leaving for good, no matter how much he missed the days when his presence inundated this place as much as Ryan's did.

When Brendon finally entered the living room where Ryan had disappeared into, he found the older man sprawled out on the couch, a throw pillow clutched to his chest tightly as if it was the only thing keeping him together, the soft strains of some melancholy record that Brendon hadn't heard before filling the air, but the sound wasn't enough to cover up Ryan's hitched inhalations.

"Ryan...what's wrong?" Brendon asked warily, seating himself delicately in the only open space beside Ryan's stretched out feet, his sock clad toes brushing against Brendon's thigh slightly before he curled them inward, removing all physical contact before Brendon had time to react to it.

"I - I don't know, nothing really...I'm just sad," Ryan sniffled, sounding for all the world like a wounded child that had no idea how to cope with the myriad of emotions he was experiencing, his sorrowful tone urging Brendon to place his arms around his former lover gently, but he kept his limbs firmly pressed by his sides, trying to ignore the way his chest was aching as he watched Ryan attempt to stifle his sorrow.

And despite how hard he tried to fight it, Brendon could feel the ties that Ryan had once had wrapped so tightly around him reforming, the bindings stinging the old wounds that had been caused from the initial rip between them, his skin tingling with a phantom pain as he gazed down at the broken man in front of him, unsure of what to do, or how to help Ryan now that so much had passed between them, but he had to start somewhere.

"Well what's upsetting you, maybe if you let it out, you will feel better?" Brendon shrugged as if he didn't care one way or the other, although that was the farthest thing from the truth right now.

"I - I'm... _fuck_ ," Ryan sighed heavily, his body shifting to the side so he could look Brendon in the eye as he spoke. "I honestly don't even know what's wrong with me anymore, except that I'm a mess, and I've been thinking of you a lot lately, and of how much my life sucks without you in it, and tonight it was too much... _you know_?" Ryan stammered out, his expression crumpling before Brendon's very eyes as he stared down at him in confusion.

Brendon had no idea what to say in response to Ryan's admission, because until five minutes ago, he had assumed that Ryan was content with the way things had gone between them, but now he knew that obviously wasn't the case, and that left him unsure about so many things that he had believed to be concrete facts.

"I don't understand Ryan," Brendon scoffed, his frustration from earlier rearing up again despite Brendon's attempt to tamp it down so as not to upset the older man even more than he already was, with unsatisfactory results, "but that's nothing new. I don't understand anything about you anymore, and if you would bother to recall, you were the one who left the band, who left _me_ , so I hate to say it, but you made your own bed," Brendon murmured, keeping his tone gentle in an attempt to take the venom out of his words, but Ryan was still stung by it if his stricken expression was anything to go by.

"Don't you think I know that?" Ryan snapped back, his torso shooting upward suddenly as he shrunk further away from Brendon on the wide couch. "I made a mistake _okay_ , I shouldn't have done things the way I did, but it is too late to take it back, so what do you want me to say Bren...that _I'm sorry_ , because I am, but you seem just fine with Sarah and what's left of the band, so I highly doubt that an apology from me will mean anything."

"Well maybe I want one, maybe I have been waiting for years to hear something from you, _anything_ to close that chapter, to let me move on, but _no_ \- you just had to be a selfish ass like always, and think of no one but yourself, and your projects, and what you want. By the way, how is that all turning out for you, because The Young Veins don't seem to be going anywhere, and it's been what, almost three years since you were filling reporter's ears with promises of great things from you soon?" Brendon seethed, the agony in his chest cavity inciting his rage to an out of control level, because that was the only way he knew how to ease the pain Ryan inflicted on him, and even after all these years, old habits died hard.

"Oh fuck off," Ryan whimpered, his attempt at keeping his voice harsh only made his words emit in a brittle fashion instead. "You should leave if you only intended to come over here and yell at me about my choices."

"I am not going anywhere until I get some answers, because this is the first time you have shown any inclination toward speaking with me in the past fuck knows how long," Brendon stood firm, because now that the topic had been brought up, he was desperate to know what had inspired Ryan to leave him without so much as a goodbye kiss, and he would be damned if he gave up this once in a lifetime opportunity, no matter how many half-healed wound this conversation ripped open.

"Go back to your pretty girlfriend Bren, it was stupid of me to ever call you in the first place," Ryan muttered, rolling his thin frame into the couch cushion so his face was hidden from Brendon's probing gaze.

"No, that wasn't stupid, but what was idiotic of you was leaving panic! without giving us some heads up, leaving me hanging like I never meant anything to you, and maybe I didn't. If you really wanted to cut ties with everyone and do your own thing, I can respect that, but I can't condone watching you waste your life away on drugs and alcohol, of you doing nothing with all of that talent that has to be bursting inside of you - _that_ is what pisses me off Ryan, that, and the fact that I am so fucking _confused_ about what happened to the person I used to know, the person that I once loved," Brendon all but cried, his skin feeling as if it was splitting open as he released the pent up worries that had been churning inside of him for too many days to count, but it was all out in the open now, and Brendon wasn't sure if he regretted his expulsion or not at this point.

"You aren't perfect either Bren, I have seen your periscopes, so don't act like a fucking saint when you drink and smoke just as much as I do, and at least I don't showcase it for the fans to see," Ryan retorted bitterly, his body shrinking in on itself as is preparing for the verbal blow he was sure Brendon was going to deliver his way.

"You are not going to turn this around on me," Brendon retaliated, refusing to feel any guilt for doing what he enjoyed in his free time, "and _yes_ , I have some fun when I am out with my friends, but I don't let it overtake my life, _fuck_ \- I did more drugs when we were both in panic! then I do now, while you rarely seem to be sober, and at least when you were still in the band, you were doing something with your life."

"So that's what you think of me...you just see me as a sad shell of the man I used to be?" Ryan choked out, his eyes glazing over as he peered up at Brendon warily, "and you are right. I don't do anything, I don't even have a fucking job right now, I just live off of royalty checks from something I used to do, so you can be honest Brendon."

"I - I wouldn't go _that_ far, but you have changed Ry, and not for the better," Brendon admitted nervously, his anger at Ryan's selfish choices warring with the despair swimming behind the older man's chocolate irises.

"You really want to know why I left?" Ryan spoke up after a full minute of nothing but the dulcet tones of whatever record Ryan had on, during which Brendon's had attempted to stop his head from spinning off his shoulders as he tried to ground himself once more.

"Of course I do Ry, _hell_ \- I loved you, and then you walked out on me like I was nothing more than a quick fuck," Brendon borderline begged as Ryan leaned over, his hand grabbing a bottle of something off of the coffee table before he gulped down half of it quickly, obviously needing more alcohol in his system before continuing this line of discussion, even though Brendon didn't approve of his already saturated body imbuing even more liquor.

"I was scared okay - I'm a fucking _coward_ , so have your laugh and leave me alone, I promise I won't off myself or anything like that, I know that was the only reason you came over in the first place," Ryan forced out in a huff, his long fingers tightening around the glass container that was clenched in his fist before Brendon placed his hand over the older man's, gently prying the digits open until he relinquished the drink reluctantly.

"Scared of what Ryan...I'm not following," Brendon prodded gently, scooting slightly to his left as he spoke, bringing his body that much closer to Ryan's in the process.

"Of _everything_ ," Ryan wailed, hot tears spilling down his swollen cheeks as he buried his head in his arms. "Part of it was the direction the band was going in, I mean - I didn't feel like I fit in anymore, but that wasn't really why I took off so suddenly, even though it probably would have happened eventually either way," Ryan mumbled into the crook of his elbow, his shoulders shaking with the force of his sorrow as he tried to speak through his sobs.

"Don't cry Ry," Brendon pleaded, finally giving in to his instincts and encircling Ryan's trembling form with his arms, pulling the older man against his chest softly as Ryan's wailed pitifully. "You can tell me what happened, I promise I won't get upset with you," Brendon murmured soothingly, rubbing one hand over Ryan's spine in the way that always used to calm him down when nothing else would.

"It was just too much Bren, the fans, and...and the pressure as we got more popular, and us, I - I never wanted to leave you, I'm so sorry, I still regret it to this day," Ryan shivered wildly, as if each word was chilling him to the bone, inspiring Brendon to pull him flush against his body, attempting to share some of his heat with the distraught man.

"Then why did you? You could have talked to me about how you were feeling, I would have helped you Ry."

"I wanted to, but I didn't even know what we were Bren. I mean - you said you loved me, but part of me could never grasp that you liked me for anything besides the sex, even now I am unsure about what we had, and I was so confused," Ryan gasped out, his face still turned away from Brendon's as if he couldn't bear to let him view him in such a manner.

"What the hell Ry...you thought I was lying? I was fucking _crazy_ for you, I wanted to be your boyfriend, I told you that a thousand times, but you were always the one putting me off, _fuck_ \- I was halfway convinced that you didn't care for me at all by the end."

"I wanted to have you all to myself, I _did_ , but I was too scared to expose our relationship to the world, if you could even call it that. I hate putting my heart out there now, that's why I don't make music anymore, because no matter how hard I try, all I write are songs about you, so I gave up on it entirely," Ryan admitted wearily, his cries ebbing as he leaned into Brendon's side weakly. "I snapped under the strain I guess, I just had to get away before I fell even harder for you than I already had, because being with you _hurt_ Bren. Every time you brought someone back to the hotel with you broke me, and I know you weren't mine to claim, but I couldn't do it anymore, and I - I was going to ask you to be my boyfriend that day I called when you were out with your friends, but when you were busy, I lost my nerve entirely, so I did the only thing I'm good at and ran away."

Brendon stayed silent after Ryan's proclamation, because he truly had no idea what he could say to make this right. This was the last thing he had been expecting to hear when he came over tonight, he had just wanted to make sure that Ryan was okay, and _yes_ \- maybe he had been planning on prying for some sort of an explanation if the topic came up, but he had thought Ryan would have spouted off something along the lines of _'I had moved on'_ , or _'we just weren't right for each other anymore'_ , not _this_ \- not something so simple that could have easily been prevented if they had been a little more open with each other instead of burying their problems in each other's bodies as was their habit.

Brendon found himself on the verge of tears as he replayed their last days together in a new light, now recognizing the signs of Ryan trying to reach out to him, only to be pushed away by Brendon because he was irritable and unhappy, mostly caused by his separation from Ryan, and _yes_ \- Ryan had fucked up, but Brendon had too. If only he had known then what he knew now, he could have fixed their relationship, they might even still be together, _hell_ \- Brendon stood a chance of salvaging everything he had once shared with Ryan, but that would mean destroying the wonderful life he was working on building with Sarah, and Brendon didn't know if that trade off would be worth it in the end.

And deep down, Brendon was aware that something had always been broken between him and Ryan, despite the love that had once bonded them together. There was a disconnect in the numerous ties that threaded throughout them, they just weren't good for each other, not in the way that Sarah was good for him, and he couldn't put himself back in that toxic environment, not after he had spent the past few years scrubbing the remains of the poison out of his system.

But that didn't mean that Brendon was no longer in love with Ryan, because he _was_ , and a part of him would probably always belong to the older man, but Brendon had to make a choice, no matter how much it hurt, and maybe he and Ryan could at least start repairing their friendship, that would be better than nothing.

"I - I don't know what to say Ry," Brendon stammered out, his heart sinking into the acid lining his stomach as Ryan sent him a hopeful look streaked through with desperation. "I'm so sorry for what I did in the past, I am -"

Ryan cut Brendon off by lunging suddenly in his direction, wrapping his slender fingers around his neck before pulling Brendon in for a tear soaked kiss, knocking all of the air out of Brendon's lungs, as well as the words he had been planning to say from his head as he felt Ryan's lips pressed against in an awkward, yet familiar melding that Brendon hadn't realized how much he had missed until it was happening.


	4. Well It Cut My Heart And It Blew My Head

The shock that followed Ryan's abrupt movement had Brendon's body running on autopilot, his limbs instinctively wrapping around the taller man who was practically in his lap by this point, the pads of his fingers pushing into Ryan's spine to bring him as close as possible while their mouths melded together seamlessly, time apparently having done nothing to erase the ease with which they slipped back into old routines without missing a beat.

And for one moment, Brendon forced his brain to shut down; he banished all thoughts of Sarah, and how this could only end in heartbreak, and the fact that tears were slipping down Ryan's face as his tongue ran over his bottom lip gently, because Brendon had forgotten how _good_ this felt, how perfectly he and Ryan fit together, but reality quickly bled into their situation, and Brendon knew he had to end this before things went any further.

Because even though Brendon had missed the sensation of Ryan's lips against his, the eruption that always burst along every one of his nerve endings that had been present since the last time they did this was noticeable muted, most likely because Brendon was nervous, _afraid_ even, and although he was enjoying this display of affection much more than he should have given his current relationship status, he knew that this wasn't an act of love on Ryan's end, it was _desperation_ in its purest form, and that realization gave Brendon the strength to pull away gently, capturing Ryan's hands in his as he tried to lessen the rejection that highlighted every one of Ryan's features.

"Oh god," Ryan whimpered lowly, his eyes welling up again as he tore himself away from Brendon roughly, folding his lanky body into the corner of the couch as if he could melt into the cushions to avoid Brendon's gaze.

"Ry..." Brendon choked out, his mind still reeling as he tried to process what had just happened, because in a way, he had cheated on Sarah, and that hurt more than he had thought it would, which only went to show that maybe Brendon was beginning to finally move on from Ryan, even though the tingling sensation that was still flowing through his veins disproved that hypothesis.

A part of Brendon wanted to bolt immediately so he could explain to his girlfriend what had occurred before he dug his hole any deeper, but the side of him that was still attached to Ryan couldn't leave until he made sure that Ryan would make it through the night unscathed, and if he was being completely honest with himself, Brendon wasn't ready to be separated from Ryan quite yet, even though he was basically signing his own death warrant by extending their time together for another moment.

Brendon had to fight back the urge to scream as the two halves of his heart pulled against each other, his conflicting emotions threating to tear him asunder if he didn't choose one or the other, but how could he? He did love Sarah, she was amazing, and understanding, and all around wonderful, but Ryan had been there first, he had stolen Brendon's affections from day one, and no matter how hard Brendon tried, Ryan would always own a piece of him. He couldn't cut himself away from the older man, he had attempted that numerous times before, and look where he was now, causing Brendon to wonder if all his efforts at distancing himself from Ryan were essentially pointless.

"I shouldn't have - I... _fuck_ ," Ryan mumbled while shaking his head back and forth slowly, his wide eyes staring into nothingness as his hands began to tremble minutely at his sides, his sudden exclamation snapping Brendon out of his tortured thoughts for the moment, much to his relief.

"Hey...it's okay," Brendon whispered quietly, trying to drag Ryan back from the edge of what appeared to be the beginnings of a panic attack, "but we can't do that again, not right now. I'm with Sarah, and she makes me happy, but that doesn't mean I don't want you in my life as well, even if it only has to be just as a friend," Brendon tried his best to console the distraught man, placing his hand on Ryan's shoulder in what he hoped would be a comforting gesture, but it only caused Ryan's entire body to convulse violently instead.

Brendon sighed heavily as his words hit the air, because they were the truth, and Brendon wasn't a cheater, not anymore at least, but _still_ \- the temptation to pretend like Sarah had never existed was weighing down on Brendon, because he _wanted_ Ryan, he always had, and he probably always would, but admitting that wouldn't be fair to either Ryan or Sarah right now, and for once, Brendon was sure he had made the right decision, even though it stung.

"I don't know why I did that, I'm so sorry," Ryan hiccupped, his arms wrapping around his middle as if the pressure was the only thing keeping his organs in the correct places. "Please don't hate me."

"I don't hate you Ry, _hell_ \- I wanted to for a long time, but apparently it's impossible," Brendon chuckled weakly, hoping to earn at least a grin from Ryan in return, but instead, Ryan suddenly shoved past Brendon roughly, his long legs unfolding from their bent position as he tore down the hallway without another word to Brendon, the loud slam of a door causing Brendon to jump as he tried to comprehend what the fuck had just occurred to make Ryan bolt like that.

"Ryan?" Brendon called out, forcing his shaky limbs to head in the direction Ryan had disappeared into, stopping outside what Brendon remembered to be as the downstairs bathroom. "Ryan...I'm sorry okay, please come out," Brendon begged, leaning up against the jam with his ear pressed against the wood.

"Go away," Ryan mumbled softly, his voice hardly carrying across the air, but the following violent retching did, and that was when Brendon realized that Ryan was throwing up, either because of all the alcohol he had consumed, or the large amount of sobbing his body had been through, and honestly, it was most likely a combination of both.

"I'm not leaving you like this Ry," Brendon deadpanned, his hand pushing on the silver knob in front him gently, and much to his surprise, the latch gave way under his touch.

"Please...I don't want you to see me like this," Ryan begged, his hunched over frame now revealed to Brendon as he stepped into the room, the knobs of his spine protruding out of his thin t-shirt as he gagged noisily into the toilet in front of him.

"Shh, don't try and talk, it will make it worse," Brendon cooed, sinking down beside his onetime best friend before warily brushing his sweat soaked hair out of his face.

"I feel awful," Ryan sobbed, his tear stained cheek turning away from Brendon as he wiped his mouth against his sleeve tiredly.

"I know, it's gonna be okay," Brendon murmured soothingly, pressing his palm against Ryan's back as another round of sickness overtook his shrunken frame.

"I'm sorry," Ryan tried to gasp out in-between his heaving gulps for oxygen, his chest rising and falling heavily as he finally pushed himself away from the toilet once his stomach had emptied itself of its contents.

"Don't apologize," Brendon brushed him off, keeping pressure on Ryan's shoulder so he wouldn't topple over onto the cold tile floor they were both seated on. "Do you think you can stand up?"

"I don't know," Ryan hung his head in shame, his long limbs splayed out in front of him as if they had been broken and left to fester.

"Okay, I'm gonna help you get into bed," Brendon announced before slipping his body under Ryan's arm, gently lifting the taller man into an upright position while straightening his knees, bringing them both to their feet as slowly as possible, his eyes trained on Ryan the entire time, staying alert for any sign that he was about to be sick again.

Ryan almost threw up once more when Brendon convinced him to wash his mouth out with some Listerine that had been conveniently placed on the sink, but after turning a startling shade of green, he managed to keep whatever was left in his stomach where it belonged, although he was starting to break out in a light sheen of sweat, and Brendon was uncertain if he would be able to make it more than two steps without passing out, causing Brendon to feel for his phone in his back pocket just in case he ended up having to call an ambulance if Ryan's condition deteriorated any further.

But when Ryan didn't immediately begin retching again, Brendon took the once familiar path to the master bathroom, clutching Ryan as close to him as possible as he stumbled along beside him. Ryan didn't utter a word the entire time, and even though Brendon knew they needed to talk about the kiss, as well as Ryan's worrisome health, now wasn't the time.

"Do you want help getting changed?" Brendon asked nervously once he had deposited Ryan on the edge of his large mattress, a bubble of fear welling in his chest when Ryan made no sign of acknowledgment that his location had shifted, he didn't even bother to glance in Brendon's direction at all in fact.

"No...I can do it," Ryan shrugged, his large hands reaching down to unfasten his jeans, inspiring Brendon to turn his back so he wasn't faced with any more temptations, not that he would ever attempt to take advantage of Ryan in such a state, but he wasn't going to lie and say that the sight of Ryan undressing didn't invoke a pool of lust in his stomach that shouldn't have existed anymore, but it did.

"You can go now if you want," Ryan informed Brendon, the shuffling sound that followed led Brendon to assume that he had crawled underneath the covers, so Brendon faced forward once more, his heart aching in his chest at the sight of Ryan alone in his large bed. He looked so small, so _broken_ , and even though Brendon had made his decision earlier on, and he knew he loved Sarah, he just couldn't leave Ryan like this, because he needed some form of company right now, and Brendon could never deny the other man anything.

Brendon honestly had no idea what he wanted at the moment, because his emotions for Sarah were strong, but his attraction to Ryan had always been electric, and it still was, but he also wasn't willing to dive back into the sea of broken promises and agony that surrounded Ryan constantly, but he might be one day, not that he was planning on leaving Sarah, but she might take that decision out of his hands when she found out how he had spent his evening, and that thought encouraged Brendon to voice his next question, even if he might end up regretting it later on.

"Would you mind if it stayed for a bit? You can say no of course," Brendon stammered out, trying to fight back the unexpected tears that were forming in his eyes as Ryan rolled over despondently.

"I'd like that," Ryan admitted, his exhaustion bleeding through in his words, and that was all the encouragement Brendon needed to crawl into bed with his onetime lover, staying on top of the sheets to preserve some semblance of innocence, but that didn't stop him from engulfing Ryan in his arms, the older man relaxing against his chest instantly as if Brendon was a rare form of human painkiller that was the only cure for what was ailing Ryan at the moment.

"Ryan...are you going to be okay?" Brendon spoke up after a few minutes of silence had passed, only their soft breathing emitting in the still air.

"I - I don't think so," Ryan sighed heavily, and he didn't sound concerned, or scared, instead, his voice came out in a defeated tone, one that threatened to rip Brendon's heart out of his chest as he realized that Ryan was truly falling toward oblivion, and he wasn't even trying to save himself.

"You will - _I promise_. I'm going to help you get back on your feet, I won't abandon you again," Brendon swore, and he truly meant it, because the history between them didn't matter anymore, not when Ryan was hurting, not when Brendon could do something to change that.

"I don't want to ruin your life too," Ryan mumbled, his muscles tightening up as Brendon ran his thumb over Ryan's knuckles lightly.

"You won't Ry, not this time, because we won't be together, we will just be friends. You will get better, and find someone amazing, you just have to keep trying," Brendon forced himself to speak the words that Ryan needed to hear, even though the utterance left an unpleasant taste on his tongue as he imagined Ryan living happily with someone else, someone who wasn't _him_.

"I don't want anyone else," Ryan whimpered under his breath, his body shaking as he tried to suppress the sobs he had been warring with all night.

"You still have me Ry, just in a different way now."

"Whatever," Ryan scoffed, scooting his torso away from Brendon slightly so that there was now a small gap in-between them, and Brendon didn't try to close it, no matter how much he ached to do so, because he knew it would only make this harder for Ryan to comprehend.

Brendon wanted to keep speaking, to try and encourage Ryan that he could still find happiness - Brendon had done it after all, even when he was convinced that Ryan had been the only person he could every truly love, or even better, to say that he might give Ryan another chance if things went south with Sarah after she found out what had happened tonight, which was a very real possibility, but Brendon remembered how he had felt when he had been in this stage of his life, and he was aware that his well-intended sentiments would do nothing besides sting Ryan's open wounds, so he did something else instead.

Keeping his voice soft at first, Brendon began humming under his breath, because he hadn't forgotten how the sound never failed to calm Ryan down, even when he was this distraught, and as Brendon had hypothesized, it started working its magic almost instantly.

Ryan's body visibly unwound as he practically melted into the sheets, his head lolling to the side as his breathing evened out, and by the time Brendon actually began to sing, Ryan was already half asleep, his eyelids fluttering slightly as his overtaxed body surrendered to the peaceful oblivion of unconsciousness.

And in all honesty, Brendon was relieved that Ryan had drifted off before he had a chance to comprehend the lyrics that had been the first thing to spring to Brendon's mind, because _of course_ it was Memories, and regardless of all of Brendon's protests, that song had always been written for Ryan, he had just never had the guts to tell him.

And even though Brendon wanted to explain to Ryan how much he had truly missed him, and that he still loved him, Sarah notwithstanding, he probably never would, because he couldn't keep tearing himself in two like this, he would surely shatter completely if he did.

So although every nerve ending in Brendon's body was screaming at him to cuddle up next to Ryan and forget about all of his responsibilities, and Sarah, and the band, he couldn't take the plunge, not yet anyway, and maybe not ever again.

But despite his resolve, Brendon found himself leaning down carefully, his lips grazing against Ryan's forehead gently in a soft kiss, and it wasn't cheating, it wasn't lust invoked, or a proclamation of love, no - it was a _goodbye_ , a farewell to the relationship they had once shared, and although Brendon truly hoped that they could begin rebuilding some sort of bond between the two of them, he wasn't going to place a substantial amount of faith in their chances, not with their fucked up past.

Still - Brendon craved this one last act of physical contact to hold him over until the next time he was allowed to be this close to the older man, because no matter how hard Brendon tried to deny it, he _needed_ Ryan, and he always would, no amount of time, or pain, or betrayal would ever change that, and maybe Ryan had finally started to realize that as well.


	5. I Am Looking For A Reason To Secure A Forward Motion

Brendon left Ryan as soon as he was convinced that the older man was fast asleep, making sure that he was lying on his side just in case he ended up getting sick again, choosing not to pen out a note explaining where he went in the fear of coming off as too cliché, making a promise to himself to contact Ryan in the morning instead, and although it took Brendon a ridiculously long time to actually vacate Ryan's house, he did it, even though it felt as if he had left a large portion of his heart behind in the process.

Ryan had whimpered softly when Brendon had removed himself from his bed, and _fuck_ \- the small sound had nearly broken all of Brendon's resolve into a pile of rubble. It had taken every ounce of willpower that Brendon possessed not to lean down and kiss the lips that had emitted the tortured cry, silencing his terror with the comfort of his body, but _no_ \- Brendon couldn't, no matter how badly he wanted to.

So Brendon returned to his quiet house in a morose mood, a heavy weight on his chest following him everywhere as he crawled into his empty bed, the mattress seeming too large without Sarah in it - or maybe _Ryan_ , but Brendon wasn't going to allow his brain to go there, not tonight at least.

But of course, his mind had other ideas, and his sleep was stolen by the plethora of worries that refused to let him rest. Brendon wanted to return to Ryan's place, he wanted to hold him, to pretend that time had turned back to the days when it was just the two of them against the rest of the world, but he also wanted to call Sarah, to tell her what had happened, to apologize, to beg her forgiveness for a kiss that wasn't even entirely his fault, although he couldn't deny that he wouldn't be opposed to being giving another chance to have Ryan's lips mashed against his own, so he wasn't entirely blameless in all aspects.

Brendon hadn't known that it was possible to love two people at once, but he was now living proof that it was indeed a very real phenomena, and _fuck_ \- this just wasn't fair, because Sarah and Ryan were both so perfect in their own ways, and Brendon didn't want to choose between them, but for the sake of his sanity, he had to come to a decision sooner rather than later.

Brendon had thought he had already made his choice back at Ryan's place, he had pulled away from the kiss after all, he had felt guilty when an image of Sarah's face popped into his head, but now the negative emotions were fading away, and Brendon found himself wondering what would have happened if he had let Ryan do whatever he wanted to Brendon, if he had never stopped the connection of their lips, if he had stayed the night instead of retreating back to his own home once Ryan had fallen asleep.

Brendon knew he didn't truly want that, _well_ \- more like Sarah didn't deserve that. She was one of the few people in Brendon's life that had never hurt him, so he couldn't go around inflicting pain on her just because his head was a fucking mess, and deep down, Brendon was glad that he had stopped Ryan when he did, because _yes_ \- he was obviously struggling with a resurgence of old feelings for his former lover, but he would have to talk with Sarah first before he did anything rash, and he also had to make sure that Ryan had been serious about his admission, which would involve a sober conversation with no substances blurring Ryan's true desires.

By this point, it was almost eight in the morning, and even though Brendon had hardly closed his eyes, he felt wide awake, his need to confess what had happened last night to Sarah inspiring him to hop in the shower with a vigor to his steps that he usually didn't possess, the urge to cleanse his conscience adding haste to his motions as he washed himself quickly. Changing into fresh clothes before grabbing his cell phone, Brendon dialed his girlfriend's number, his fingers drumming nervously on his bedside dresser as he waited for her to pick up.

"Baby...is that you?" Sarah's voice finally sounded out, sleep clogging her words as she spoke.

"Yeah, I'm sorry for waking you up so early, I just need to talk to you about something."

"Is everything okay?" Sarah asked in a worried tone, all signs of grogginess shedding away from her like a second skin.

"Yeah...well, _mostly_ ," Brendon paused for a moment, forcing himself to release the words that had to be said, even though he was terrified of how his girlfriend would react, "I went to see Ryan last night."

"Ryan...as in Ryan Ross, as in _'no one mention his name around me or I will bite your head off'_ Ryan Ross?"

"Yeah...that Ryan," Brendon mumbled sheepishly, scuffing his toe against the carpet as he waited for Sarah's response.

"Oh..." Sarah exhaled heavily, shuffling sounds coming down the line as she shifted into a more comfortable position, or at least, that was what Brendon assumed she was doing. "How is he?"

Brendon didn't miss the tension radiating from her side of the call, but he still heaved a sigh of relief, because Sarah wasn't upset, not _yet_ anyway, even though she had every right to be. She was one of the few people outside of the band who knew of his relationship with Ryan, but she wasn't letting jealousy overwhelm her, which was one of the many traits that Brendon adored in her, and it gave him the strength to continue onward with his admission.

"Not good...he called me up while drunk off his ass, and I was worried that he was going to do something stupid, so I stopped by his place."

"Well that was nice of you," Sarah sniffed sharply, and Brendon knew she wasn't entirely happy with him, not that he blamed her, but she was still listening, so that was something. "Is he okay now?"

"I - I don't know. I managed to calm him down at least, but he isn't in a good place, and I think he needs some help. I want to try and be a part of his life again - as a _friend_ , nothing more, but I won't do it if it makes you uncomfortable."

" _Well_...I am not going to tell you who you can and can't interact with, but I want you to be careful Brendon. I trust you not to cheat on me with him, but I don't know if you can allow him access to your heart again without letting those old feelings resurface, _still_ \- I will leave that decision up to you," Sarah murmured softly, her words cutting straight to the core of Brendon's being, because she was right - he _couldn't_ do this without falling for Ryan all over again, but at the same time, he refused to leave the older man to suffer without at least trying to ease his pain.

"I - that is part of the problem I guess..."

"Did you sleep with him?" Sarah cut Brendon off suddenly, the resignation in her tone wounding Brendon as he realized that his girlfriend wouldn't be at all surprised if he had fucked Ryan last night, because he wouldn't do that, not to _her_ at least.

" _No_ \- god baby, I love you okay? I was just going to tell you that he kissed me, but I stopped him...I - I just want to be there for him, I am not going to try and win him back, I promise." The words tumbled out of Brendon's mouth before he even realized what he was truly saying, but he couldn't stand to have Sarah believing the worst of him. Brendon still wanted her, and no matter what happened, he would always care for her, so he wasn't going to drop her just because he and Ryan had participated in a drunken lip-lock, _no_ \- it would take a lot more from Ryan to convince Brendon that he truly loved him once more.

"I love you too, I'm just - _fuck_ , I'm scared Brendon. I saw you and Ryan when you were still together, I remember how you used to look at him, and I - I honestly don't know if I am entirely comfortable with you two getting close again, even though I am trying not to be a bitch, but it is the truth."

"No - you are right, I understand," Brendon whimpered softly, the undercurrent of sadness in Sarah's voice watering down the promise he had made to Ryan last night, because this was his _girlfriend_ after all, and Ryan was just somebody that he used to love, and _maybe_ he still did, but if Brendon wanted to maintain his current relationship, he had to put Sarah first right now.

"I am not saying ignore him completely like you have been doing for fuck knows how long, but - I don't know, maybe text Jon or something, see if he is aware that Ryan isn't doing well."

"Yeah - I'll do that," Brendon agreed readily, because he had already been planning on contacting the other man anyway. Jon always had better luck getting through to Ryan than Brendon did, and he needed to be informed about Ryan's fragile state.

"Okay love, well as much as I want to continue this conversation, I'm exhausted, so let me get a few more hours of sleep, and we can discuss this later - okay?"

"Alright baby, sweet dreams," Brendon replied automatically, smiling at Sarah's murmured repetition of the phrase before the call was ended, leaving Brendon alone once more and only slightly less conflicted.

And even though Brendon had now at least started to resolve things with Sarah, his fears for Ryan were still eating away at him, keeping his body from the slumber that his tired muscles were beginning to beg for, so despite the fact that Brendon was well aware that Ryan most likely wouldn't be awake yet, he found his fingers typing out a quick text to the older man before he even realized what he was doing.

Brendon experienced another wave of guilt once the message was sent, caused by the fact that he had just sworn to Sarah to take things slow with Ryan, but it wasn't as if he was running back to his house to check up on him, it was just a simply query, and there was no physical way for Ryan to kiss Brendon when he wasn't even in the nearby vicinity, at least that was how Brendon reasoned it out in his mind.

_"Hey - you feeling any better today?"_

Ryan didn't respond for a few minutes, not that Brendon had been expecting him to - in fact, he had assumed that Ryan would be knocked out for most of the morning after his mini bender last night, but apparently that wasn't the case.

_"Why are you asking?"_

Brendon stared down at Ryan's reply in complete confusion for ages, trying to decide if Ryan was being serious, or if he was just fucking with Brendon, or maybe he had been so drunk during their encounter that he didn't have any recollection of it at all, but _no_ \- Ryan hadn't been that messed up. Brendon had seen Ryan in much worse states than that unfortunately, and he had always been able to accurately describe what he had done and said while intoxicated in the past.

_"Because I want to know...please tell me you remember last night?"_

Brendon wasn't sure what he would do if Ryan truly didn't recall anything about their evening together, even though it probably didn't really matter in the long run, except that it _did_ , because it had been a step toward getting Ryan back, and despite the complications that would most likely arise from allowing the older man into his life once again, Brendon wanted Ryan back in any way that he could get him. He didn't know what he would do if Ryan regretted ever reaching out to Brendon, but it wouldn't be pretty, that was guaranteed.

_"I do."_

Brendon groaned aloud at Ryan's succinct text, because _okay_ \- he wasn't completely in the dark over what had occurred between the two of them, but that didn't explain why he was acting so odd at the moment. Ryan had been the one to ring up Brendon, he had been the one to admit that he missed Brendon first, but it was as if those words had never left his lips now, and Brendon found himself growing angry very quickly, his fury at Ryan and his stupid games rising up as he typed out a new message with firm strokes.

_"I just want to make sure that you are okay..."_

Brendon's phone stayed silent for almost half an hour, and Brendon was beginning to recall why his and Ryan's relationship had fallen apart in the first place. It was because they didn't know how to talk to each other, they always avoided the deeper issues hovering in-between the two of them in favor of fucking, but now that the carnal act was out of their reach, they had hit a metaphorical wall within eight hours of what Brendon had hoped would be a renewal of their friendship.

_"Just leave me alone Brendon, last night was a mistake, I am sorry I ever called you."_

Brendon's mouth literally fell open in shock, the bright text wavering in his vision as his eyes blurred with a sudden rush of tears. Brendon had no idea what to say in response, so he simply closed his phone, his heart aching in his chest as he experienced another round of pain caused by Ryan _fucking_ Ross, and even though Brendon should have known better by now than to think that Ryan could ever care for him, he had allowed himself to be fooled once more, and he deserved this emotional agony for ever being so idiotic in the first place.

Wanting to forget about Ryan entirely for a few short hours, Brendon sank back down onto his mattress, curling himself into as tight a ball as possible in a pointless effort to hold back the choking sobs that were lurking within him, with paltry results, but _whatever_ \- no one could see the tears rolling down his cheeks right now, and even if they did, at least they wouldn't know that they had been caused by Ryan, the one person that Brendon had sworn would never have this power over him again.


	6. I'll Poke My Head Up Till Its Red

_Brendon had three fingers buried up to the second knuckle in Ryan's ass, the pads pressed firmly against his prostate as Ryan cried out noisily, his thighs shaking as he attempted to spread his legs even further than they already were, trying to get Brendon's digits deeper inside of his slicked up hole._

_"Fuck Bren...need you, need your cock," Ryan begged, his eyes screwed up tight as more filthy litanies fell from his spit soaked lips, a deep blush staining his neck and darkening his chest as he arched into Brendon's touch._

_Ryan looked so fucking pretty like this - it was Brendon's favorite image to get off to when he was alone, and having the real thing right here in front of him was almost too much to handle, it had been so long since Brendon had the pleasure of experiencing this, and he was going to make the most of it._

_"I almost want to get you off like this, feel you clenching around my fingers before coming all over your pretty little hole," Brendon murmured under his breath, a smirk twitching at his lips as Ryan moaned loudly, his hands scrabbling uselessly at the sheets as he shoved down onto Brendon's hand greedily just like Brendon knew he would. Dirty talking had always been one of Ryan's kinks, and Brendon loved hearing the hitch in his breath when he muttered aloud all of the illicit things he wanted to do to the beautiful boy._

_Brendon ignored Ryan's continuous pleas for more at the moment in favor of teasing him for a little while longer, twisting his fingers instead, his own cock pulsing as Ryan released a series of needy gasps that attested to how close he was._

_"Bren - you, you gotta stop, I'm gonna come," Ryan hissed sharply, his body twisting away from the pressure on his prostate before he seemed to change his mind, his hips slamming back down onto Brendon's hand instead._

_"Shh - it's okay, I've got you," Brendon whispered soothingly, allowing his digits to slip free from Ryan's clenching muscles, wiping them halfheartedly on the sheets before rolling on a condom hurriedly, trying not to let Ryan's impatient whines get under his skin with terrible results as he slicked up his cock._

_"Come on - fuck me," Ryan gasped out as Brendon aligned himself, the head of his cock pressing against the rim of Ryan's ass as he lifted Ryan's hips slightly to give himself a better angle._

_Brendon glanced upward for a moment, drinking in Ryan's fucked out expression, his blown pupils and glazed eyes gave him the appearance of being high, but Brendon had seen Ryan fucked up on drugs, and that experience had nothing on this._

_Brendon found his torso dipping downward without any conscious thought, his lips pressing against Ryan's swollen ones hungrily, his tongue lapping into the older man's mouth as he moaned softly. Ryan immediately reciprocated, sucking on Brendon's bottom lip as their spit mingled together, their teeth clashing slightly as their chests heaved in an attempt to draw in some much needed oxygen._

_Brendon finally pulled away when he couldn't stand the burning ache in his balls anymore, using one hand to line himself up with Ryan's entrance as Ryan sucked in a sudden rush of air, his eyes glittering with desire and anticipation as he tilted his hips upward, providing Brendon with better access to the place he longed to bury himself inside of._

_"Oh god," Brendon gritted out as he pushed in the first inch, the indescribable pressure surrounding his cock releasing a bubbling heat in the pit of his stomach, an accompanying flush staining his skin as he paused to catch his breath._

_"Don't be gentle, I want to feel you for days," Ryan choked out, his hips twitching downward as he spoke, the motion inciting Brendon to shove forward suddenly, pushing his full length into Ryan without any more preamble. "Yeah - oh god, fuck me."_

_"How are you always so tight?" Brendon heaved, dragging his length out of Ryan's slicked hole before slamming back in, releasing a strangled cry from Ryan in the process._

_"Harder - I - ahh," Ryan's sentence trailed off into a series of unintelligible cries, his spine arching off the bed as his fingers dug into Brendon's shoulders roughly._

_"God baby, you feel so good - fucking missed this," Brendon mumbled out before connecting his lips with Ryan's, their teeth clashing together as Brendon snapped his hips up into Ryan roughly._

_"Why did you miss me baby...I never went anywhere?" Ryan asked breathlessly, his query cutting through the haze of pleasure Brendon was currently enveloped in, the pressure around his cock lessening as his heart constricted painfully in his chest._

_And with that one simple sentence, Brendon knew he was dreaming; he could still remember Ryan leaving, and Sarah, and the years of no contact, but it had slipped his mind, Ryan's naked body had been more than enough of a distraction to fracture reality for a few minutes, but now everything had come tumbling back down, the weight of it threatening to crush Brendon with its intensity._

_"Ry...is - this isn't real, it is?" Brendon choked out, tears stinging his eyes as he felt his body beginning to wake up, the soft feeling of Ryan's skin underneath his quickly fading away no matter how hard he tried to recapture the veil of sleep that was being torn away from him without his consent._

~~~

For the third time in a week, Brendon woke up with an image of Ryan swimming behind his closed eyelids and an aching erection that he was in no mood to deal with, because this was honestly getting ridiculous. He wasn't a teenager anymore, and he refused to get himself off to a dream about his ex-boyfriend, even one that he might potentially still be harboring feelings for, not to mention the fact that every time he thought of Ryan, a pit of worry formed inside of him, and he didn't want to jack off while he was in such a conflicted state.

Brendon hadn't heard from Ryan since his impromptu visit last week, and even though Brendon was trying his best to respect Ryan's decision and reenact his _'No Ryan Rule'_ , which he really should have never broken in the first place, it was too late for that now. His policy was in a thousand broken pieces strewn across Brendon's mind, and it wouldn't be easy to glue it back together - _hell_ \- it might even be impossible.

Brendon had followed Sarah's advice and called Jon, explaining what had happened the other night at Ryan's place after apologizing profusely for losing contact with him after Jon had left the band, muddling his way through the required niceties before he admitted his fears to Jon that Ryan might not be anywhere near as happy as he allowed everyone else to believe, but Jon assured Brendon that Ryan would be okay, promising Brendon to check up on him and make sure just to ease his conscience.

But Brendon wasn't feeling guilty over Ryan's questionable state of mind - _no_ , he was fucking terrified for the older man, the sensation only exacerbated by the fact that Ryan refused to speak with Brendon about it, even though he had confessed to missing Brendon, to wanting him back in his life, but his actions didn't line up with his words, and Brendon was struggling not to drown in the opposing currents that were tugging him in two completely different directions.

Jon didn't seem anywhere near as troubled as Brendon though; apparently Ryan did this often, he refused to let people in anymore, and obviously Brendon was no exception, his previous privileges into the inner workings of Ryan's brain seemed to have been permanently revoked, but Brendon refused to settle for such a simple answer, not until he heard the words from Ryan's mouth that is.

Brendon hard tried numerous time to contact Ryan again, calling him, texting him, _hell_ \- the only thing stopping Brendon from showing up on his doorstep once more without warning was Sarah, who had returned home shortly after his initial confrontation with Ryan, and Brendon didn't want to go against his earlier promise to her so soon, not without good reason that is.

Brendon had ended up turning to Jon for the second time instead, hoping that his impromptu calls and irritating nature weren't inconveniencing the other man as he begged for an explanation that justified Ryan's irrational behavior, finally getting Jon to admit that Ryan felt awful for breaking down and allowing Brendon to see what a mess he truly was, and he had convinced himself that he would only ruin Brendon's life unless he did the right thing and fixed his mistakes by pretending the other evening had never happened.

Ryan was firmly set in his belief that Brendon was perfectly fine without him, which was _partially_ true, or it had been, but once he had seen Ryan after so long without so much as a word from him, Brendon knew now that he had only been kidding himself into believing that he was truly happy, and no matter how wonderful Sarah was, or how well the band was doing, something would always be missing as long as Brendon didn't have Ryan to share in the experiences with him, even if it was only in the smallest of ways.

Jon did manage to calm Brendon down a bit, assuring Brendon that Ryan frequently got mood swings like this, and it wasn't helping anyone to waste so much time worrying about him, encouraging Brendon to go on with his usual routine and wait for Ryan to reach out to him again, if he ever did that is, so Brendon tried - he _really_ did, but it was as if that one evening with Ryan had wiped his brain, and he had forgotten how to function normally without thoughts of the older man permeating his thoughts every second of every day.

 _Still_ \- Brendon did his best to follow Jon's advice, spending most of his time with Sarah now that she was back, attempting to remind himself of who he was really in love with, hoping that inundating his senses with her would help wipe Ryan from his fucked up mind, and it worked - to an _extent_ , he was distracted at least while Sarah was by his side.

Sarah wasn't an idiot though, and she knew when Brendon was trying to drown out his troubles, but she was clueless about how to help him as well, her words mirroring Jon's earlier suggestions, and even though Brendon knew they were both right, it didn't lessen the ache in his heart.

Sleep became an unobtainable task for Brendon; he refused to close his eyes until he absolutely had to, because Ryan was lurking there every time, and the dreams weren't always as pleasant as his most previous one had been. Sometimes he woke up screaming, sweat drenching his sheets as the nightmare slowly faded away, his heart rate taking ages to properly slow down again even once the horrendous images had been stolen into the realm of forgetfulness.

Brendon tried to start writing music again, but that was a failed endeavor as well; all of the songs he managed to produce were so obviously about Ryan that he knew the fans wouldn't be fooled, and even though he didn't really mind the teasing remarks he received on his periscope, he wasn't about to release an album full of songs that screamed his affection for Ryan, not _again_ anyways, and even when he met up with Spencer and Dallon to try and spark some new ideas, Brendon still hit a wall that felt rather Ryan shaped as he struggled to pass through it. 

Brendon was slowly going insane, no matter how stubbornly he attempted to ground himself, but he couldn't focus on anything, he couldn't enjoy himself anymore, not until he and Ryan worked something out, or reached some sort of mutually agreeable closure - _fuck_ , Brendon didn't know what he needed anymore, but it had something to do with Ryan, that much he was sure off.

Brendon constantly found himself breaking from reality with ever increasing frequency, his thoughts drifting back to the days when Ryan had been his, to when he would be allowed to help the older man through whatever he was struggling with, but those times were over now, and no matter how difficult the task seemed, Brendon knew he was going to have to force himself to move on again, but for some reason, it was even harder to let Ryan go then it had been originally, although their reunion hadn't lasted a day.

And _really_ \- Brendon knew he could live without Ryan, he had done it for years after all, and if Ryan truly didn't want to reconnect with Brendon, that was fine, if not slightly disappointing, but Brendon just needed to know that Ryan was okay, that he was _happy_ , but despite the numerous reassurances he received from Jon or Sarah, he couldn't shake the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that something was horribly wrong, or it would be soon.


	7. Secrets Are The Truth

_"Please leave me alone...I can't do this again Bren. I'm sorry."_

Brendon stared down at the seemingly innocent text for an unknown amount of time, his heart racing in his chest as his mind tried to digest the words, even though their meaning was obvious, but _still_ \- Brendon didn't want to believe what he was reading, so it was taking him longer than it should to process Ryan's request.

Brendon should have seen this coming, _in fact_ , he shouldn't have even bothered attempting to keep in contact with Ryan at all after he had made it clear that his original call to Brendon had been a mistake, but he had foolishly attempted to phone Ryan last night after he had awoken from yet another nightmare involving the older man. Apparently Ryan was done with Brendon's attempts at rekindling their friendship though, and he had broken his silence to inform Brendon that his efforts were no longer appreciated.

Ryan hadn't answered at the time of course, leaving Brendon shaken and scared with no one to turn to since Sarah was fast asleep and Jon would most likely verbally slap Brendon for waking him up at such an ungodly hour. Eventually, Brendon had drifted back off, only to find Ryan's message awaiting him in the morning, and _fuck_ \- part of Brendon hoped he was still dreaming, but he knew that this was real, no matter how hard he pretended otherwise.

Brendon just couldn't help himself though, he had needed to hear Ryan's voice last night, it was the only thing that could soothe him, especially after making it almost ten days without bothering either Ryan or Jon in an attempt to move on just like everyone was suggesting he should do, but that was providing to be a very difficult feat, and he had unfortunately made the wrong choice once again, his late night decision pushing Ryan even further away, although Brendon hadn't believed that was possible at the time.

But it wasn't Brendon's fault that everything seemed to remind him of Ryan, and that he hadn't been able to go one day without wondering how the older man was doing since his initial visit to Ryan's home, but he had been pretending that he was fine, mostly for Sarah's sake, his show of strength only breaking when she wasn't around to witness it. She could see through his facade though, despite the fact that she hadn't commented on it lately, but _really_ \- there was nothing left for her to say, and Brendon knew he was hurting his girlfriend with this relapse of emotions, which was the last thing he wanted to do, but Brendon couldn't comfort her when he was falling apart on the inside as well.

Brendon hated himself for being so weak, for allowing Ryan to destroy his mind without having to lift a finger, and he would give anything for this to stop, to be able to return to the days when his heart barely twinged at the thought of Ryan, but that seemed impossible now, and Brendon knew that time was the only thing that could possibly heal him, and even that might not be enough to mend this deep of a wound.

Rereading the message one more time for good measure, Brendon heaved in a sudden rush of oxygen, his head suddenly feeling light and dizzy, as if it was going to float off of his shoulders at any moment now, and before Brendon could contemplate why this odd sensation was occurring, an ugly sob was ripping its way out of his throat, the cry startling Brendon with its intensity, because until just now, he hadn't noticed the tears blurring his vision, but once his attention was brought to them, they began pouring down his cheeks before he could even considering stopping them.

Letting his phone drop to the floor through his numb fingers, Brendon buried his face in his hands, pressing his palms against his eyelids until spots danced across his vision as he continued to weep harshly, his body shaking with the force of his sorrow as he allowed the negative emotions he had been burying inside himself to spill free all at once.

A part of Brendon was ashamed at his pathetic behavior, because this wasn't worth shedding tears over, and he hadn't been expecting Ryan to suddenly apologize for everything and run back into Brendon's waiting arms, so he couldn't even blame his reaction on shock, but _still_ \- this hurt, and Brendon couldn't fool himself into believing that he was unaffected by Ryan's absence anymore, because he missed him, he had been missing him for _years_ actually, but only now was he finally allowing himself to admit it.

"Oh baby..." Sarah's voice reached Brendon's ear as if from a great distance, but before he could even turn his head to look at her, she was by his side, wrapping Brendon up in a gentle embrace that only caused Brendon to cry even harder, because he didn't deserve Sarah's affections, especially not at the moment, and her kindness only served to highlight what a terrible person Brendon was as he wept over his ex-boyfriend against his girlfriend's shoulder.

"I - I'm sorry," Brendon choked out, his hands clutching tightly around Sarah's middle as she began to rock him back and forth slowly, whispering soft words of comfort to him in the process.

"It's okay love, you don't have to apologize," Sarah assured him, but Brendon was already shaking his head furiously, because Sarah had never been so wrong, she just didn't know it yet.

"No it's not," Brendon protested, wiping angrily at his red eyes so he could meet Sarah's gaze straight on. "I still love him Sarah...I don't want to, I thought I was over this, but everything is coming back, and I - _fuck_...I miss him so much," Brendon wailed, a second round of tears assaulting him as he tried his best to choke them back, awaiting Sarah's response with bated breath and trembling limbs, because he knew that Sarah would catch on to who he was talking about, even without being provided with an actual name.

Brendon hadn't intended to admit his revelation to his girlfriend so soon, or maybe not _ever_ if Ryan continued to act the way he had been, but Brendon felt awful lying to her, and he could no longer deny the fact that he was still harboring strong feelings for Ryan. He loved Sarah as well, and he hoped eventually that their connection would overpower whatever existed between him and Ryan, but Brendon wasn't going to deceive her for another second, _in fact_ \- he already felt marginally better now that he had gotten his secret off of his chest.

"I know..." Sarah finally replied after a few tense moments had passed, her shoulders drooping slightly before she braced herself once more. "I think I have always known, and I'm not upset...not _really_. He came first after all, so if you want to try and win him back, I am not going to stand in your way. I just want you to be happy Brendon, and lately, you have been anything but that."

Brendon sat in silence brought about by surprise for a few brief seconds, because out of all the ways he had imagined Sarah to react to this news, _this_ hadn't been it, but he should have known better. Sarah was a literal angel, so of course she would only desire what was best for Brendon, even if it caused her pain, but now that left Brendon with a heavy choice weighing on his heart, and he honestly had no idea where to go from here.

"I don't know what I want," Brendon groaned softly, his nails digging into his palms painfully as he spoke, "because I love you too, and I am not just saying that - _I do_ , but at the same time, I can't stop thinking about Ryan. I'm not ready to try a relationship with him again, but I need him back in my life somehow, apparently he isn't okay with that though. He texted me...asked me to leave him alone, and I'm _trying_ \- I am, but I feel like I'm driving myself crazy in the process."

"Well whatever you end up deciding, I'm going to be here for you. I don't like seeing you this way, so anything I can do to help, just let me know. I - I'm scared for you Brendon, you are losing weight, you are hardly sleeping, and...I feel so helpless," Sarah ended on a whimper, her eyes welling up slightly as she spoke, inspiring Brendon to pull her against his side, rubbing his hand soothing across her hip as she sniffled softly.

"I know - I'm sorry, I'm trying to get over this, and I don't want to lose you. I love you a hell of a lot, and _yes_ \- I might love Ryan too, but he obviously doesn't feel the same way, so I am going to keep trying to move on, I just need you to be patient with me."

"Of course Brendon - anything you need," Sarah smiled, pressing a soft kiss to Brendon's cheek before standing up suddenly, straightening out her top before offering a hand to Brendon, pulling him to his feet once he accepted it. "I made breakfast if you want some."

"Pancakes?" Brendon asked eagerly, Sarah's understanding of his situation easing some of the emotional pain he was suffering through, allowing his face to fall into a grin that wasn't forced at all.

"Of course, and maybe after we eat, I can try to reach out to Ryan, he might be more willing to speak to me than you right now."

"Oh...you don't have to do that Sarah," Brendon protested, because as much as he yearned to find a way to convince Ryan to at least let him see him in person one more time, he didn't want to get Sarah involved, especially not now when he was feeling better than he had in weeks.

"I know, but if you want me to, I will," Sarah shrugged as if it didn't matter one way or the other, when really her selflessness meant the world to Brendon.

"Let's just focus on us today," Brendon suggested, his arm falling around Sarah's waist as they headed in the direction of the kitchen. "If I start to feel worse again, than maybe I will consider it."

"That sounds good to me."

"And Sarah - _seriously_ , thank you. You don't know how much your support means to me," Brendon murmured lovingly, needing her to understand how much Brendon appreciated her, and not only for this, but for picking him up after his and Ryan's original split, for never growing angry with him, even when he deserved it, for staying by his side after the bombshell he had dropped on her a few minutes ago, for _everything_ really.

"Of course baby, you need someone to be there for you, and I'm glad that it's me for now."

"I love you," Brendon sighed happily, and in that moment, he managed to forget about Ryan completely as he pulled Sarah in for a kiss, his eyes fluttering shut as he held her close to his chest, all of his inner turmoil melting away as his lips moved against his girlfriend's softly, a brief spike of happiness shooting through Brendon's veins as Sarah leaned into his touch.

If only Brendon could capture this sensation and draw it out whenever thoughts of Ryan began to haunt him again, he would be okay, but Brendon had a feeling that this respite would be brief, and it would only be a matter of time before old memories managed to sink their claws into him once more, dragging him back down into the miserable state he had been in this morning, but for now, Brendon was content, and he chose to focus on that instead of thoughts of the future that would only bring him pain.


	8. Smell My Mustard Gas

Brendon stared down at the strange package gracing his front porch suspiciously, trying to remember if he had heard the doorbell ring like it usually would if the mailman had needed to drop something off, but there had been nothing that he could recall. He had been awake ever since the sun had risen, and it was barely ten in the morning, which was much too early for his usual delivery man to have stopped by.

Stuffing the large box under his arm along with the newspaper that he had originally set out to retrieve, trusting that it wasn't a bomb or something else equally as destructive, but the odds of that were slim, at the worst, it might be a strange gift a fan had dropped off after procuring his address from fuck knows where, Brendon headed back inside, tossing the items onto the kitchen counter before turning to his coffee maker, his body craving caffeine after another mostly sleepless night.

It has been seven days, nine hours, three minutes, and approximately fifteen seconds since Brendon had received the heart wrenching text from Ryan that had quenched all of his hopes for finding a way to make room for Ryan in his life once more, not that Brendon was counting - _not at all_. Brendon had never responded, even though resisting the urge to do so had been borderline painful, and Ryan had provided no follow up message to his previous statement - not that he needed to now that Brendon was giving him what he wanted, which was to be left alone.

Brendon had declined Sarah's numerous offers to try and speak with Ryan herself in an attempt to convince him to agree to having a civil conversation with Brendon, because as desperate as he was to have one last encounter with the older man, he wasn't going to ask his girlfriend to phone up his ex-boyfriend in an effort to maybe bring the two of them back together, that could only end badly, and Brendon didn't think Ryan would appreciate the gesture in the slightest.

And _really_ , Brendon was doing better since the day Sarah had found him sobbing in his bedroom - relatively speaking; his nightmares still plagued him on occasion, but they had been occurring with much less frequency, although his sleep schedule was completely destroyed, but he had been using his free time in a productive manner, mostly by writing songs that weren't entirely Ryan related, which Brendon considered to be a huge accomplishment for him.

Brendon had honored Ryan's request and restrained himself from reaching out to the older man, and even though he felt his heart crack a little wider with each day that passed without a word from Ryan, he had managed to ignore it so far, because it was obvious that pressing Ryan was doing more harm than good, and if Brendon ever wanted a chance to truly reconcile with him, then he would have to be patient and wait for Ryan to come to him when he was ready - if that day ever came.

Sarah had been nothing but understand and loving the entire time, listening to Brendon rant when he needed to, taking his mind off of things when the strain became too great, never bringing up the questions that Brendon was sure were swirling around inside her head about where they stood, or what would happen if Ryan did eventually contact Brendon again.

And _honestly_ \- Brendon didn't have the answers she was most likely craving, because he truly didn't know. Sarah was everything he could ask for in a girlfriend and more, and he would be an idiot to throw that way, but at the same time, Ryan had always been special, and no matter how hard Brendon tried to convince himself otherwise, he was becoming resigned to the fact that the larger portion of his heart would always belong to Ryan at the end of the day.

But judging by the way things were going, Brendon wouldn't be faced with that choice anytime soon, because for some unexplained reason, Ryan seemed convinced that letting Brendon back in could only end terribly for the both of them, and Brendon was at a loss for how to make him see that there were positives to rekindling at the very least a friendship between the two of them.

Ryan was stubborn once he had decided on a course of action, he always had been, and maybe he was right, maybe it was best for the both of them to reinstate their policy of ignoring each other to spare themselves from the emotional pain that always followed them around like a heavy cloud, now if only Brendon could figure out how to return to the uncaring state he had resided in for the past few years before Ryan's impromptu phone call.

"Sarah," Brendon called out when his eyes fell onto the strange box once more, his steaming cup of coffee clutched in-between his hands firmly, "did you order anything online recently?"

"I don't think so - why?" Sarah replied, her voice emerging muffled and fuzzy caused by the distance separating the kitchen and whatever part of the house she was currently in.

"There is a package here, and I don't remember purchasing anything," Brendon answered, raising the volume of his voice so she could hear him without straining her ears.

"Did you read the label?" Brendon didn't miss the suppressed laughter in her tone, and _okay_ \- he probably deserved that, but he wasn't exactly coherent yet, especially after only receiving about four hours of shut eye, and _of course_ , Sarah was right, just like she always was, because that was most definitely his name jumping out at him now that he had taken to the time to actually look.

"Never mind, it's for me," Brendon chuckled to himself as he pulled the object closer to his seat at one of the bar stools, his eyes squinting slightly as he peered down at the piece of paper that was taped to the front of the box.

His name was scrawled across the surface, that much was certain, but it wasn't a typical manufacture's label like he had been expecting to see. Instead, it had the appearance of a homemade note, with nothing written upon it besides the aforementioned name.

When Brendon retrieved his glasses from the counter he had tossed them on earlier when they had begun hurting the back of his ears, he realized that he recognized the flowing style to the letters - this had been penned by Ryan, there was no doubt about it, Brendon had seen enough of his song notebooks to be able to pick his handwriting out of a lineup.

With shaking fingers, Brendon tore open the masking tape keeping the box closed, unsure what he was expecting to find inside, but despite the logic in his head telling him not to get his hopes up, he couldn't help the rush of excitement that was causing his heart to beat faster in his chest with every passing second.

Maybe it was some form of an apology presented in a gift, a physical sign that Ryan had realized his mistake, but instead of phoning Brendon up to inform him that he had changed his mind, he had sent him whatever this was instead. That seemed like a very Ryan-like thing to do, he was never one for conventional _'I'm sorry's'_ although in the past they had typically used their bodies to convey such things instead of words and presents.

But when Brendon finally got the stubborn cardboard to release its contents, he was slightly confused by what was inside - it was old panic! memorabilia, consisting of articles that Brendon had nearly forgotten about, first edition records, picks and other things that Ryan had obviously collected and stored away for safekeeping after their shows and numerous other events that they had attended together as a band.

But underneath those things was what made Brendon's breath catch in his throat; his digging had unearthed a pile of photographs featuring him and Ryan, some that Brendon remembered posing for, others portraying moments that he had no idea had been caught on film, and just the sight of him and Ryan looking so happy together - _so in love_ \- had Brendon biting back tears, the conflicting emotions raging inside of his chest leaving him in a state of confusion tinged through with longing.

Brendon didn't understand what this meant for him and Ryan, and although the positive side of him wanted to believe that this was Ryan's way of saying that he missed those days, and that a small part of him wanted them back, that hypothesis didn't settle right within Brendon's mind, and that message could have been delivered with just the pictures alone, the rest of it felt out of place, especially considering that Brendon already had enough of these sort of items to create a panic! museum if the need ever arose.

After thoroughly searching each crevice in the box, Brendon had to accept that there was no note accompanying the package, no explanation for why Ryan had felt the need to send him these things, and the longer Brendon shifted through the treasures, the more worried he became.

Ryan was a very sentimental person, even though he liked to pretend he wasn't, and no matter what point he was trying to make, Brendon didn't think he would give away pieces of his history like this - _hell_ , his rose vest was even neatly packed away inside, and it was obvious that the contents of this box contained Ryan's favorite memories from being in panic!.

Suddenly, Brendon remembered something he had read ages ago, his mind connecting the dots in a horrifying fashion, all of the cogs clicking into place with a sudden snap that Brendon swore was audible, and although he desperately hoped that his conclusion wasn't correct, he couldn't help the spike of fear that shot up his spine as he tried to think of another reasonable explanation.

But _no_ \- it made sense; when Ryan had first began to show signs of depression back when they had still been together, Brendon had taken it upon himself to research it heavily, needing to know everything he could about it before it was too late to help Ryan, and one fact that he had discovered was currently branding itself painfully across his brain, which was that people who were considering committing suicide very well might give away their prized possessions before attempting the act.

Brendon could feel himself beginning to hyperventilate, because even though he didn't want to imagine that Ryan would ever do such a thing, or that he might be making plans to end his life at this very moment, he had been there when Ryan had stated that he wanted to die, he remembered the vacant expression in Ryan's eyes as he mumbled the words, his body deflating in Brendon's arms as he allowed the sentence to slip past his chapped lips, he had seen Ryan's shrunken frame not less than a month ago, the way he was destroying himself with alcohol and drugs without a care for the harm he was inflicting on his person.

Bile began to rise in Brendon's throat as countless images that he now recognized as scenes from his nightmares rose to the forefront of his mind, and no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he was overreacting, that Ryan was most likely fine, he had been after Brendon had jumped to conclusions following their brief call after all - _well_ \- relatively speaking that is, if Brendon glossed over the fact that he had been wasted and puking his guts out, but _still_ \- this didn't mean anything for sure, and it was possible that Brendon had simply misunderstood Ryan's intentions in giving him these things, he could have meant it to come across in a positive manner - _right_?

But Brendon couldn't ignore this red flag, just like he hadn't been able to turn a blind eye to Ryan's emotional distress after the short conversation that had ended up with Brendon in Ryan's house again after almost three years, so even though Ryan had been perfectly clear that he didn't want to hear from Brendon again, that didn't matter right now, and before Brendon could second-guess himself, he already had his phone in hand, quickly searching for Ryan's number in his contacts before hitting send, drumming his fingers impatiently against the counter as the familiar ring sounded in his arms, praying to whoever was out there that this time, Ryan would pick up.


	9. I Slash Swords Through Your Wooden Spine

Ryan didn't answer Brendon's call, or the next one, or the one after that. Brendon had tried reaching him from Sarah's device in the hopes that the unknown number would produce some sort of response, _hell_ \- he had even gotten Jon, Dallon, and Spencer to try their luck after giving them a half assed explanation stating that he was worried that Ryan might not be okay, and still nothing.

Brendon had shown Sarah everything in the box as soon as she had made her way downstairs, babbling quickly about what he thought the items meant, and how he was terrified that Ryan was planning on doing something stupid, leaving nothing behind for Brendon besides old memories in way of an apology, and even though Sarah tried to argue with him, saying that Ryan was most likely fine, Brendon didn't miss the subtle slump to her shoulders, or the way her eyes misted over with what might have been suppressed tears.

Brendon was close to hysterics by this point, despite everyone's attempts at calming him down. Jon tried to reason with Brendon before he jumped to any more conclusions, stating that Ryan did this sort of thing from time to time - disappear that is, and he always turned up again a few days later, but that wasn't good enough for Brendon, he had to know if Ryan was okay now or else he was bound to go insane.

Brendon was all for driving straight over to Ryan's house as soon as he realized that he wasn't going to answer any of the numerous voicemails that had been left on his phone, but Sarah had encouraged him to wait a little bit longer, forcing him to eat something in the hopes that it would make him feel better, but the food ended up having the opposite effect, ending with Brendon throwing up everything barely an hour later as his anxiety over Ryan led him to the point of being physically ill.

Sarah gave in after that, helping Brendon off of the bathroom floor before leading him to the car, her mouth pressed into a worried line as she waited for Brendon to give her directions to Ryan's house, and although Brendon knew that Sarah didn't want to be doing this right now, and not because she was reluctant to see Ryan, but because she was trying to protect Brendon from getting hurt even more than he already was, he still gifted her with a grateful smile, because he was in no condition to drive himself anywhere at the moment.

At first, knowing that he was on his way to maybe seeing Ryan again had Brendon relaxing happily against the leather seats, the churning in his stomach and the aching in his heart dissipating as they drew closer to his home, but as Brendon's mind had the habit of doing, it began predicting scenarios involving what he would find when he did arrive, and none of them were ideal.

Ryan might not even be there, Jon had warned him of that much, saying that the last time Ryan had refused all contact with anyone, he later found out that he had been in San Diego for some reason or another, only informing Jon of where he had gone on his return. Brendon wasn't sure how he would react if that was the case, but remaining clueless about where Ryan was or if he was alright would surely eat away at Brendon unless he was given some sort of sign that Ryan was taking care of himself at the very least.

But that option would be better than Brendon's original hypothesis, which he had refused to speak aloud after voicing his fears to Sarah earlier on, but what if Brendon was correct, what if he was heading toward a tomb instead of a home, _fuck_ \- even the thought had Brendon on the verge of breaking down, a soft whimper escaping his lips without his consent.

"It's going to be okay Brendon." Sarah's voice sliced through the air like a knife, even though she had barely spoken at more than a whisper.

And Brendon wanted to believe her - _he did_ , but he couldn't shake the sinking feeling in his gut that something had gone horribly wrong in Ryan's head, as if there was some tendril of consciousness that connected their minds together, allowing Brendon to be aware of when Ryan was in distress, and that bond was vibrating right now, refusing to let Brendon focus on anything else until he had done everything he could to help Ryan in whatever way he could.

"You didn't see him Sarah," Brendon choked out, flashbacks of how sickly Ryan had appeared the other night dancing behind his closed eyelids. "He was a wreck after he called me...and when I asked him if he was going to be okay, he said _'I don't think so'_. He sounded so defeated, so alone...like he didn't give a shit if he lived or died, and I promised him that it would get better, that I would be there for him, but he wouldn't let me, and now... _fuck_ ," Brendon cursed weakly, shaking his head angrily in a pointless attempt to knock away the tears that were stinging at his eyes.

"Even if something has happened to him, it isn't your fault Brendon," Sarah stated sternly, shooting Brendon a loving look before returning her attention to the road. "You did everything you could for him, _hell_ \- I have seen how much you have been tearing yourself up over him for the past few weeks. It was his choice to ignore you, and in the end, whatever he may or may not have done has nothing to do with you."

"I just don't understand," Brendon sniffled, his hands clenching into fists as they turned onto Ryan's street. "Why did he reach out to me if he was only going to push me away right after? We hadn't spoken in years...I thought we never would again, but now he's dragged me back into everything while at the same time still shutting me out."

"I don't have the answers for you Bren," Sarah sighed compassionately, chewing her lower lip in-between her teeth as she searched for some words that would magically make everything better, even though they didn't exist. "Ryan seems to be in a really bad place though judging by what you told me, and if we do find him, I think you, or Jon, or _someone_ needs to convince him to look into rehab, or at least therapy, because as much as you care for him, you can't fix him if he isn't willing to put some effort into himself."

"You're right..." Brendon nodded slowly, because she was, and no matter how badly Brendon would love to pretend that he could be enough for Ryan, that he could somehow guide him back to the path leading toward happiness, he knew that was unrealistic thinking.

Brendon and Ryan clashed, no matter how hard they tried to tiptoe around that fact, and being his friend wouldn't be easy, especially not with all of the history hanging in-between them. Even if Brendon did manage to break through the thick shell Ryan had placed around his heart, he could very well hurt Sarah in the process, because he didn't know if he was strong enough to resist his attraction to Ryan if they did get close again, and Sarah's support throughout this entire mess had only served to show Brendon that he needed her in his life, and that he couldn't throw her away in a pointless attempt to rekindle things with his ex-boyfriend that didn't even want to speak with him at the moment.

"We're here," Sarah murmured quietly as Brendon's head snapped up, his gaze landing on Ryan's house as she cut the engine quickly. "Do you want me to come in with you or wait outside?"

"I should probably go in alone. If Ryan is home, he won't take well to having someone he doesn't know invading his privacy."

"Okay, well I'll be by the car if you need me," Sarah smiled before leaning over and pressing a soft kiss to Brendon's cheek, affectionately shooing him out of the door when Brendon didn't immediately make any move to get up.

Brendon had to take a moment to brace himself once his feet hit the concrete path leading up to Ryan's front door. His limbs seemed to be made of jelly that didn't want to receive his brain's commands to continue moving, but after inhaling deeply, Brendon found the strength to step forward, his eyes darting around rapidly as if he expected to see Ryan hiding behind one of the shrubs littering his lawn.

Brendon instantly noticed that Ryan's vehicle wasn't in the driveway, and although he could have simply parked it in the garage, Brendon knew that Ryan rarely chose to do so, and unless he had changed over the past few years, which was a possibility, that could mean that he was out, and that Jon had been right after all.

 _Still_ \- Brendon hadn't come this far to give up now, so he kept going, mounting the porch quickly before rapping loudly against the wood barring him entrance from the house, even hitting the doorbell to his left a few times for good measure.

"Ryan?" Brendon called out, pressing his ear against the door in the hopes of picking up some sounds of life from inside, but he could hear nothing. "It's Brendon, and I don't care if you don't want to see me, but I'm not leaving until you let me know that you are okay," Brendon all but screamed, his words tearing at his throat on their way out, but after a full minute with no response, Brendon was thoroughly convinced that Ryan either wasn't home, or that he couldn't answer.

Brendon no longer had a key to Ryan's house, he had thrown it away when Ryan had refused to take it back, but if Brendon remembered correctly, Ryan always kept a spare underneath the loose brick in the siding, mostly because he had the bad habit of losing his keys when he was drunk, and much to Brendon's relief, when he knelt down and stuck his fingers where he hoped the item would be, he felt cool metal underneath his hand, emerging with a dirty key that fit the lock perfectly, allowing the front door to swing open on its oiled hinges.

On the surface, Ryan's house appeared exactly how Brendon had seen it last, maybe a bit neater than before, but nothing seemed obviously out of place, and there were no signs that something awful had happened here, but the welcoming atmosphere that always seemed to imbue Ryan's home seemed off - _stale_ maybe? Brendon couldn't find the exact term to describe it, but whatever it was, it was decidedly unpleasant, and Brendon had never felt this uncomfortable here before.

"Ryan?" Brendon tried again, projecting his voice as loudly as possible, echoes of his own query raining down on him as he peered into the living room, but no one called back to him, and the silence that followed pressed down heavily against Brendon's shoulders as he continued further inside.

The television and record player were both off, which was another anomaly for Ryan, reinforcing the fact that Ryan most likely wasn't here, but Brendon kept going, checking the bathroom, the kitchen, the dining room, and the studio before finally making his way into Ryan's bedroom, having found no sign of the older man anywhere else.

The door was closed when Brendon reached it, and even though he had torn through every other inch of the house in what could only be described as a frantic manner, he found his steps slowing without his consent, because as badly as he needed to check to make sure that Ryan wasn't inside, he also didn't want to know, because if he was, it was highly unlikely that he would be breathing, and if he wasn't, that would leave Brendon with no idea where to look next, and both options had Brendon on the verge of tears as his hand grasped the brass knob tightly.

Brendon exhaled loudly when his hurried scan of the room revealed it to be empty, the bed was clean and made, and there were no indicators that would lead Brendon to believe that Ryan had even spent the night here. After double checking the adjoining suite, and even peeking in the closet just in case, Brendon was forced to admit that he had panicked for nothing since it appeared that Ryan had simply decided to take off for an undisclosed amount of time instead of ending his life like Brendon had initially thought.

But just when the ever present tension was starting to leave Brendon's muscles, he spied something sitting atop the pillow closest to him, the name scrawled on the front catching his eye, because it was _his_ name, meaning that the folded piece of paper that he had almost missed in his initial sweep was meant for him.

And even though Brendon was terrified at what the contents of the note where going to contain, he couldn't stop himself from tearing the paper open, because maybe Ryan had explained himself in this letter, telling Brendon where he had gone, and why he had decided to give him all of his panic! memorabilia on a whim, but _no_ \- of course nothing could ever be that simple. The white page only contained a single line, and the four words had Brendon struggling to choke back sobs once again, his original fears rising up as he read the sentence over and over, trying to decipher a hidden message in-between the letters that he knew he was never going to find.

This was a goodbye, Brendon knew that without a doubt, but he was unsure what sort of farewell it was, and whether it was permanent or not, but somehow, he had the awful feeling that this wasn't a _'we can't talk anymore even though I'll always care for you'_ sort of thing, or even a _'I'm leaving town, don't look for me even though I want you to'_ type of note. It felt too heavy, too final, and _fuck_ \- even if Brendon was overreacting, or jumping to conclusions, he would swear on his life that Ryan was in danger, if it wasn't already too late to save him that was.

"Baby?" Sarah's sudden presence startled Brendon, causing him to jump in place, crumbling the note in his sweating hands. "Are you okay? I've been calling you, and you have been in here for a long time."

"He's gone..." Brendon gasped out, hot tears spilling down his cheeks as his knees gave out on him, depositing his body onto the pristine bedsheets with a soft thump.

"What do you mean?" Sarah asked warily, her eyes dancing around nervously as she spoke, most likely looking for Ryan, or _his body_ judging by the way Brendon was acting.

Brendon wanted to explain, to share his thoughts with Sarah, to ask her what he should do now, but he couldn't, so instead, he held the piece of paper up so she could read what was on it, displaying the line that Brendon knew he would never be able to sing again without breaking down on stage.

_"It was always you..."_


	10. I Want To Scream One Last Death Medley

"I found him."

Jon's voice cuts through the fog that Brendon had been wrapped up in for the past two days, a blossom of hope expanding inside of his aching chest as his words sunk in, leaving him speechless as he tried to ascertain if he had heard his friend correctly, because Brendon wouldn't put it past himself to have imagined the one sentence that he had been dying to hear for the past forty-eight hours, but _no_ \- this was real, it just had to be.

"You did - _where_?" Brendon asked hurriedly, his excitement bleeding through his tone, but Brendon didn't bother with trying to contain himself, not now that Ryan had finally been located.

Brendon had thoroughly searched Ryan's house after stumbling upon the short note addressed to him, coming up with no substantial clues which would inform him of Ryan's whereabouts, but Brendon refused to give up. When Brendon discovered Ryan's phone powered down on the kitchen counter, as well as his car neatly parked in the garage, he became assured that something was wrong, because Ryan never went anywhere without the device, and if he had simply taken off, he would have packed, he would have taken his vehicle, but his dressers were full, and nothing that he would need for an extended trip seemed to be missing.

Jon agreed to help Brendon look for Ryan once Brendon had informed him of the oddities of Ryan's sudden departure, and despite the fear and nausea that were constantly assaulting Brendon, the intensity of the sensations only increasing with every passing moment, Brendon was determined not to rest until he had made sure that Ryan was safe and unharmed.

With Jon's assistance, Brendon and Sarah tore the city apart, driving around for hours in the hopes of spotting Ryan somewhere, the fact that he was on foot meaning that he couldn't have gotten far, even if he had started walking as soon as he had left the package on Brendon's doorstep, but once the sun had begun to set with still no sign of Ryan, Sarah had insisted that they call off their manhunt for the day, practically dragging Brendon into their home, ignoring his protests the entire time, and even though the last thing Brendon wanted to do was try and sleep while Ryan could still be out there somewhere, he gave into his girlfriend's request. She had done so much for Brendon today, and he owed her this, although each minute that ticked by without knowing where Ryan was physically pained Brendon as he tossed and turned futilely, doing his best not to wake Sarah with his endless shifting.

Brendon had called the police the next day, hoping to file a missing person's report, but once he had explained the situation to the officer that answered the phone, he had been told that there wasn't anything they could do if someone had voluntarily decided to disappear. Brendon briefly considered revealing Ryan's celebrity status, maybe claiming that he believed he had been kidnapped by a crazed fan, but he quickly discarded that idea once Sarah shot him a concerned look from across the room, almost as if she could read his thoughts and she was making sure that Brendon knew she did not approve.

Finally, Brendon was forced to admit defeat after nearly breaking down in sobs as he told the officer how he believed that Ryan was a danger to himself produced, which still produced no sympathy from the stern man. He was adamant that unless Ryan had been forcibly taken, or if he was a child or an elderly person, which he _wasn't_ , that they simply couldn't spare the manpower involved to begin a search for him.

Brendon had been angry then - _furious_ actually, the negative emotions only melting away in the place of exhaustion after spending the rest of the day wandering throughout town, trying to figure out where Ryan may have gone, but at the end of the evening, he had given up, collapsing onto his couch dejectedly as Sarah whispered soothing words of comfort that did nothing to lessen the pain in his chest.

But none of that mattered anymore, because Jon had found him, and everything was going to be okay now - _right?_

"Umm..." Jon stalled for a moment, inciting Brendon to sigh loudly in irritation as he waited for his friend to finish his sentence. "He's in the hospital."

"Which one?" Brendon pressed curiously, completely glossing over the fact that Jon didn't sound nearly as elated as Brendon had expected him to be. The other man had been terrified for Ryan's safety as well, he was probably the closest person to Ryan at the moment after all, so _really_ , Brendon should have been able to guess what was coming next, but he couldn't concentrate on anything besides the fact that Ryan had been located.

"He's at the Sunrise Medical Center," Jon choked out, and it was only then that Brendon paused, his breath catching in his throat as Jon's odd behavior finally began to register, but for once, he refused to allow his mind to run away from him before he had been given any concrete evidence.

"What happened...is he okay, can we go visit him?" Brendon questioned softly, Jon's somber mood dragging Brendon down as his newfound happiness began to drain out of him at a rapid pace.

"I'm on my way to your house right now...we need to go see him," Jon hedged, what sounded like a stifled sob breaking up his words as Brendon worried his lower lip in-between his teeth.

"He - how bad is he...Jon?"

"They - _fuck_ Brendon, they need me to come down there and identify the body. He didn't have any ID on him, and apparently I'm his emergency contact on his insurance or whatever, so since they can't get ahold of his parents, they phoned me up," Jon spat out, the meaning of his words going straight through Brendon's brain without actually sticking, because they couldn't be true, he must have heard wrong or something.

"Wait...if he didn't have his ID, how do they know that it's him?" Brendon shot back, desperately scrabbling for some semblance of an argument with which to disprove Jon's earlier statement.

"The EMT recognized him or some shit, she's pretty sure that it's him."

"But not certain," Brendon stated flatly, his eyes welling up with tears as he tried to ignore the way his world seemed to be tearing in half underneath his feet, his very existence shattering while he waited for Jon to say something - _anything_ to fix this.

"It's got to be Ryan...I still haven't heard from him, and it - I just have a bad feeling in my gut."

"I - no..." Brendon almost laughed, even though it most likely would have emitted as a sob if he allowed the sound to escape, the coldness in his tone startling even him, because Brendon was a raging torrent of emotions on the inside, and he was shocked that his voice wasn't reflecting that.

"I'm sorry, please don't freak out okay? I am almost at your house, just hang on."

"I won't," Brendon answered instinctively, even though it was a lie, his spine hunching inward as he curled around the phone weakly. "Hurry."

"I will," Jon replied before hanging up, leaving Brendon struggling to sift through everything he had just heard, but it wasn't sinking it, not _yet_ anyway.

Brendon simply couldn't believe that Ryan was truly dead, no matter how assured he was that Ryan had been at least slightly suicidal, or however many nightmares he had suffered through featuring that exact scenario, it just wasn't possible. This wasn't how things were supposed to turn out; Brendon was going to find Ryan, they would finally speak about everything that had happened between them, and then everything would somehow magically work out.

And even though Brendon could plainly see how stupid his original assumption was, _still_ \- he refused to lose sight of it just yet. There was no guarantee that Ryan was the one lying in the hospital on a slab, _in fact_ \- it could be anyone, maybe a look alike, or _whatever_ , but it wasn't Ryan, Brendon refused to entertain that idea until he saw the man for himself.

~~~

Jon had arrived quickly after his call, leaving Brendon with no time to process anything other than the fact that he needed to get up, so he simply headed toward the car mutely after leaving the sleeping Sarah a note to explain where he had went, neither him or Jon speaking much during the drive to the hospital.

Brendon was barely able to walk through the automatic doors leading inside once they arrived, his stomach churned uncomfortably as he entered the bustling medical center, and if it wasn't for Jon's steadying grip on his arm, Brendon very well may have swooned on the spot. Being here made everything too real, even though Brendon was still halfway convinced that whoever was awaiting them wouldn't be Ryan, _still_ \- the fact that it _could_ be him had Brendon trembling with fear, the internal air conditioning doing nothing to eliminate the sweat clinging to Brendon's palms as he wrung his hands together nervously.

Brendon let Jon do all of the talking at the front desk, barely listening to the conversation that was occurring right in front of him, only moving when Jon nudged him gently, leading Brendon into a nearby elevator which took them to another floor, Brendon couldn't even recall what button Jon had hit by the time they got out.

There was another receptionist waiting to greet them on this level, and sooner than Brendon had expected, a doctor in a white coat was approaching them, his receding hair line and half smile the only memorable features which Brendon noted, and as much as he didn't want to, Brendon shook himself forcibly, trying to clear his muddled head so he could tune into the words the doctor's lips were forming.

His name was apparently Dr. Jones, and after a round of pointless small talk, as well as verifying their identification, he gestured for them to follow after him, taking them to a part of the building that Brendon fervently prayed he would never have to visit again - _the morgue_.

"We aren't sure that it's him," the doctor explained as they walked, his neck craning backward so they could hear him over the soft chatter filling the crowded hospital. "Cassie - the EMT that is - was convinced that it's him, she's a big fan of your band apparently, and he did have a small notebook with him in which he signed with the name Ryan, but either way, I am sorry for this boys, I know that call isn't an easy one to receive."

"What...how did he die?" Brendon managed to form his first coherent words in over an hour, having missed the earlier explanation, if there had even been one that is.

"Cause of death was technically internal bleeding," Dr. Jones spoke in a softer tone now that they had entered a less occupied hallway, swiping his name badge through an electronic lock before opening the door into the morgue. "He walked into the street and was hit by a car, but if that hadn't killed him, the amount of drugs in his system would have. His tox screens came back showing a lethal level of cocaine, as well as a few other things. He died in transport, we tried to revive him here, but he was already gone."

" _Oh_ ," Brendon gasped, his tongue lying heavy in his mouth as the doctor shot him a sympathetic look. "Jon...I don't think I can do this," Brendon whimpered quietly when the doctor turned his back on them, reading over the labels on the wall in front of him before selecting the correct compartment to open.

"It's okay Bren, I'm right here, but we have to know if it's him..."

Brendon nodded numbly, his eyes squeezing shut as the doctor pulled out the table holding the body, his hands grasping the sheet which covered it. Brendon wasn't ready to look down just yet, because he knew now that it would be Ryan - Jon had been right, Brendon had just been too stubborn to admit that before now.

And _of course_ , when Brendon did allow his lids to crack open a fraction, it was Ryan's brown hair that met his gaze, Ryan's thin hands, Ryan's skinny hips and long eyelashes. There was no mistaking it - Ryan was _dead_ , his corpse was lying before Brendon as his mouth fell open in horror, and it was only when the doctor spoke again that Brendon realized he had been gaping at the pale body for over a minute without saying a word.

"So - is this Ryan Ross?"

"Yes..." Jon responded slowly when it became obvious that Brendon wasn't able to answer. "That's him."

"I am so sorry for your loss," Dr. Jones murmured, one of his hands resting lightly on Brendon's shoulder, snapping him out of his frozen state with the unexpected touch. "I have his personal effects here with me. It's just clothes mostly, a bit of cash, and the notebook I mentioned before. There are some papers I will need you to sign..." Brendon shut down halfway through the doctor's spiel, reaching out when he handed Brendon the bag which possessed all that was left of Ryan, his shaking hands instantly digging through the contents, searching for the notebook among the other items frantically, leaving Jon to deal with everything else for the time being.

When Brendon's fingers brushed against worn leather, he clenched them tightly, emerging with a small journal that probably could have fit in Ryan's pocket, which would make sense giving the creased appearance of the cover. Brendon collapsed onto a nearby chair in the waiting room, unsure of how he had gotten here since he couldn't remember heading back the way they had came, but not caring enough to find out, glancing once at Jon who was still discussing something with Dr. Jones before flipping the book open to the first page.

The large majority of it seemed to be filled with songs ideas, or at least, things that could easily have been lyrics, and just like he had with the package on the front door, Brendon recognized Ryan's handwriting instantly, the sight of it solidifying the fact that Ryan was truly dead even more than his lifeless form had.

Brendon skipped through the sheets quickly, knowing that he would have time later to analysis each word in detail from the safety of his own home, but right now, Brendon was looking for what Ryan had written last, what had been his final thoughts before he had apparently tried to overdose on cocaine and then somehow walked into the street, and _finally_ , Brendon found what he was searching for, but it hadn't been what he had expected - _not at all_.

But there was no disparaging the fact that there was his name jumping out at him from the page, and what followed appeared to be a note written to him - _for him_. This was the explanation that Brendon had been craving after finding the short sentence on Ryan's bed, but now that it was right in front of him, Brendon wasn't sure if he was ready to know what it said quite yet.

But despite himself, Brendon couldn't wait, even though he knew that reading this in a crowded hospital waiting room wasn't the best idea he had ever entertained, but _still_ \- Brendon couldn't put the journal down now that he knew what it contained, so he allowed his gaze to return to the page, a few tears slipping down his cheeks as he did so, and although Brendon knew he was simply imagining things, he swore he could hear Ryan's voice loud and clear in his mind as his eyes danced over Ryan's penned words.

_Brendon..._

_I don't know why I am addressing this to you, especially after going out of my way to avoid speaking with you at all costs, but I can't stop thinking of you, and I need you to understand why I did what I did, if you ever find this that is._

_As of right now, I'm sitting on the shores of Lake Mead. You always used to take me here - do you remember? We had to go late at night so no one would recognize us, but I didn't care, in fact, it made it better that way...like the water belonged to only us for that small sliver of time._

_I will never forget how you used to kiss me under the stars, how the sand would warm my toes as the wind cooled my heated skin, how I never wanted you to leave my side...it's ironic how I ended up doing that exact thing in the end isn't it?_

_If you are reading this, it means that I am dead. I'm sorry Bren - I know you must be hurting right now, but I had to do this. I had already planned this out ages ago, before I ever called you actually, so please don't blame yourself for not being able to stop it._

_I was going to do it that night, but you knew - I don't know how, but you did, and once I saw you on my doorstep, I convinced myself to put it off, to maybe try and find something to live for, but it didn't work, mostly because I didn't let it._

_I'm a mess Brendon, I have been for a very long time, and without the band, and you, everything is too much for me to handle. I thought distancing myself from all the things that were destroying me would help me start to heal, but the opposite happened instead, and being alone is killing me faster than anything else ever could._

_I should have stayed with you, I should have gritted my teeth and ignored your cheating - if I can even call it that since we weren't technically together, I should have explained how much you meant to me before it was too late...so many should have's, I could fill a novel with them, but I think you understand that I regret my actions, and that if I had a chance to go back, I would do everything in my power to be able to stay by your side for as long as you wanted me._

_I don't know how I am going to end it - I did before you stopped me, but now I am just drifting, trying to decide if I am ready, or if I should put it off for one more day._

_I have enough drugs with me to overdose, but where to do it, and when..._

_I can't go home, I am sure you are looking for me after receiving the package I left for you. I wanted you to have those things because they were my happiest memories, and maybe eventually you can look back on them and smile like I used to._

_Can you tell my family I'm sorry if you get the chance, Jon and Spencer as well? I hate the thought of them crying over me, even though I know it is inevitable, but they are aware of how fucked up I have been, so hopefully this won't come as a surprise to them at the very least._

_This note is pointless, I am simply wasting whatever time I have left penning down everything I am too cowardly to say to you in person, but I have a good reason. I can't see you again Bren, because I know you - you will try to save me, you will abandon Sarah, and the band, anything if I asked you to, and honestly - I am not strong enough to resist you for much longer. I will ruin you if you allow me to, and that is one regret I refuse to carry with me to the grave._

_I never should have called you, hell - I never should have dragged you into this at all, but it's too late to rectify that mistake now, but please Brendon, if you ever cared for me at all, do not let my death break you, I couldn't stand that._

_I want you to be happy, to marry Sarah, to take panic! to places it could never reach before, to be successful in everything you do, to love, to live, but maybe sometime during all of that, think of me as well. I'm selfish to be saying that, but I believe that being forgotten is a terrifying thing, and I don't want my name to fade from your memory, even though it would be better for you if it did._

_I don't even know where I am going with this anymore, I can barely see my words through the tears clogging my vision, but I guess I just had to say that I love you one more time, and that I'm sorry._

_It was always you Brendon, you were my everything, and that in itself is my problem. I can't survive without you, these past three years have been tortuous enough, but I don't deserve you either. I am a failure, a pathetic excuse of a person, but soon I won't exist, and I won't lie and say that I am not looking forward to oblivion, or whatever comes next, because_ _it has to be easier to bear_ _than this torment I am currently living with._

_I love you, I never stopped, and I don't think I ever will._

_"I know the world's a broken bone, but melt your headaches, call them home."_

_\- Ryan_


	11. You Better Know This Flows Fast

Ryan's death was a monumental turning point in Brendon's life, the hole he left behind would always exist as a constant reminder of what could have been, but despite how tempting it was to lay down and die when Brendon had finally realized that he would never speak to Ryan again, or hold his hand, or kiss him, he had somehow found the strength to begin knitting himself back together, and now almost a year later, Brendon had remembered how to smile once more, the expression was tugging at his lips right then as he put the finishing touches on panic!'s new album, the very first in which Ryan had no part in making, which was bittersweet to say the least.

Brendon didn't recall much of the weeks following his visit to the hospital besides reading Ryan's letter; those words had been burned into his brain for all eternity, and Brendon could quote the passages verbatim without blinking an eye. Everything else had become muddled though, leaving Brendon confused and shaky about what had been real, and what had been imagined by his grief tortured mind, but he tried his best not to reminisce over that dark period in his life anymore, because even twelve months later, it still hurt to think about.

Brendon knew he had broken down in the waiting room, the final line from the song Ryan had written for him had been the nail in Brendon's metaphorical coffin, leaving him shaky and borderline hysterical as his lungs closed up and his eyes welled over, resulting in Jon having to forcibly drag him into the car before anyone recognized him, but at the time, Brendon wouldn't have cared if the entire world had been witness to his sorrow, because with Ryan gone, everything else had ceased to matter entirely.

Brendon assumed that Jon had taken him home, but the drive didn't exist in his memory, or any words he may have said, there was only _pain_ , a gnashing, tearing agony inside of Brendon's chest cavity that wracked his body with endless waves of torment. Brendon's suffering was immense, and even though he knew that Jon was most likely hurting just as much, if not _more_ than he was, he couldn't push aside his own misery for long enough to try and comfort his friend, no matter how badly he wanted to.

The following days dragged on in a never ending slew of tears, and nightmares, and no Ryan. Brendon wasn't sure if he ever truly slept, or if he ate, not that he cared either way. At that point in his life, Brendon wouldn't have minded if he died of malnutrition, maybe that way he could see Ryan one more time, and even if that didn't happen, anything would be better than this version of hell that Brendon now found himself in.

The funeral didn't help Brendon's mindset at all, although just like almost everything else lately, he didn't have a concrete recollection of it. He sobbed throughout practically the entire affair as tendrils of guilt curled around his internal organs, their grip tightening with every passing moment during which Brendon gazed at Ryan's coffin with dull eyes, leaving him feeling choked and unworthy of attending the ceremony as Ryan's family and true friends made speech after speech commemorating Ryan's life.

Brendon declined the offer to say something about Ryan at the proceedings when it was extended to him, because he didn't deserve it, even if he had been able to stop his tears for long enough to form a coherent sentence, because Brendon hadn't been there for Ryan when he needed him, if anything, he had driven Ryan to his untimely death, and _fuck_ \- that fact was what was truly destroying Brendon bit by bit, and to make matters worse, there was nothing he could do to rectify his numerous mistakes, Ryan had taken that chance away from him by ending his life.

Brendon wallowed in self-pity for weeks, spending his free time mulling over every aspect of his and Ryan's time together, attempting to pinpoint where he has gone wrong, guessing at what would have happened if he had done this instead of that, basically driving himself insane in the process. Brendon avoided all contact with anyone and everyone, including social media, because he couldn't handle reading over the numerous tweets that were probably flooding his notifications involving Ryan's death which had been made public knowledge by this point.

Brendon hadn't understood pain before now, he hadn't known it could be like this, and he was terrified that his suffering was never going to stop. He began to try and return to his old self after a month had passed and Sarah was becoming frantic with worry over him, but it wasn't the same - he didn't feel like Brendon now that Ryan didn't exist. He had no motivation to write, or talk to Dallon and Spencer - _hell_ , he barely wanted to bother with the effort of breathing half of the time, so how was he supposed to continue on and do what Ryan had asked of him when everything around him had become worthless without Ryan to share in the experience with him?

But eventually, things got easier, as they always do, and the stubbornness of Sarah and Brendon's bandmates helped his healing process along immensely. They didn't expect Brendon to instantly bounce back of course, but when it became apparent that he wasn't going to get out of bed without prodding, they all took it upon themselves to force Brendon to at least look like a functioning human being until he could actively play the part - Dallon even threw Brendon into the shower fully clothed once when he refused to move from the couch for almost two days, which Brendon could laugh over now, although it had been anything but funny at the time.

It was Sarah that finally got through to Brendon in the end though, she was the balm that truly managed to ease some of Brendon's pain until it became bearable. It was her voice that calmed him down when he woke up sobbing after another night terror, her hands that coaxed him out of the house for the first time in months, her lips that brushed against his forehead when he shook under the strain of everything that was threatening to bury him, and with Sarah there to help him bear the load of his sorrow, Brendon slowly found the will to regain his feet.

It was strange being with Sarah now - _different_ , but in a good way. For the entirety of their relationship, even when Brendon had been pretending that Ryan didn't exist, his heart had been tugged in two directions, because he had always loved Ryan, and although he always would, that resistant half of him no longer fought against Sarah's affections tooth and nail - _no_ , it was dormant now, deflated and dying without Ryan there to breathe life into it, and no matter how much Ryan's absence continued to hurt, his death had also brought Brendon a form of peace in being able to commit himself to one person, and it wasn't long after that realization that Brendon decided to propose to Sarah, putting effort into something for the first time since before Ryan's death.

Brendon never reinstated his _'No Ryan Rule'_ , even though the temptation of trying to fool himself into believing that none of this had ever happened had crossed his mind once or twice, but _no_ \- he didn't want that, so instead, he spoke freely about Ryan to Sarah and his friends, swapping old stories and cherished memories as everyone involved tried to hide their misty eyes, and it felt good in an odd, slightly painful way.

Brendon often wondered how different his life would have turned out if he had never enacted the ridiculous policy in the first place, but he quickly derailed those thoughts as best as he could, because they brought nothing but misery in their wake, and Brendon refused to be dragged back down so soon after he had pulled himself free from the crippling grip of his tormented mind.

Things had gone uphill from that point onward, and now Brendon was okay - _mostly_. He was forever changed because of what Ryan had done, and he would always carry his scars hidden underneath his skin, but he didn't let them break him, because although he would never be able to make up for what he had done to Ryan in the past, he was going to honor Ryan's last request; he was going to live, he was going to love Sarah with what was left of his wounded heart, and he would never - _ever_ forget Ryan Ross, no matter how many years it took before it was Brendon's time to join him again, and then he could finally make everything right.

Brendon was convinced that Ryan was out there waiting for him somewhere, even though he had never placed much faith in life after death before now, but he found that trusting in his newfound belief had given him a sturdy foundation to begin rebuilding his life on.

Brendon knew he could stay strong for as long as he needed to, because Ryan was worth it - he always had been. If only Brendon could have figured that out sooner, but no one is ever free of all regrets, Brendon was burdened with more than his fair share already, but he had learned his lesson, even though it was too little too late.

Now Brendon viewed everything in a different light, the awareness that his friends and family could be taken from him without a chance to say goodbye permeated his every action, and he refused to take anyone for granted, becoming better in wake of his mistakes as he immersed himself back into the people he loved, the people who cared about him, morphing into a much more open and honest version of himself, not wanting to hide away from those who meant the world to him.

In a way, Brendon felt closer to Ryan in doing so, because even though Ryan might not be here anymore, Brendon knew he would be proud of him, and maybe he _was_ \- maybe he was looking down on Brendon and smiling softly even now.

Brendon liked to think that Ryan was still with him in some small way, inspiring him to glance upward toward the clear sky on occasion, not searching for anything in particular, but every now and then when Brendon's eyes were scanning the clouds, he felt an unexplained sense of peace enveloping him, which was something that he hadn't experienced since Ryan had passed away, but he instantly recognized it, keeping his gaze glued in place as a grin tugged at the corner of his lips, and it was in moments like these where Brendon could honestly say that he was truly happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it - That Golden Rule is officially over.
> 
> I am not entirely sure if I'm happy with this ending, but I am pretty proud of this book overall, especially since I was totally winging everything since chapter three once I realized that keeping this as a one-shot wasn't going to work out for me.
> 
> This was originally going to be so much shorter, basically - Ryan was going to be blackout drunk the night of Brendon's visit and he wasn't going to remember anything the next morning. Brendon would have gotten super pissed when he found out that Ryan had forgotten what had occurred between them, inspiring him to go back to ignoring Ryan and acting like nothing had ever happened, but apparently that wasn't enough emotional pain for me to be content with, so that is how we wound up here.
> 
> I want to write another, longer Ryden in the future, with hopefully a more planned out plot, but for now, I am going to try and finish some other stories before I jump straight into a new one.
> 
> And to everyone who took the time to read this, thank you so much, it really means the world to me, and I hope to see you around on my other fics.


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